am i sinking

i think i’m avoiding here, i want to write yet at the same time i dont wanna get into it. Into my thoughts my feelings it just brings me down. I live on the surface its a more calm place my mind explores a bit but the thoughts it comes across never get written down anymore.  Worried all the time again. Questions to ask bite my tongue too unstable to dive into. He can see it, in the moments he spends clearly tuned in to me. That i want to talk yet i’m holding it back, scared. I miss when i could say whatever came to mind, free of worry. Of what he would think or how he would react. Yet also at the point when i was able to talk he was ingrossed in learning me to help me. I miss attention, i feel so ingored. It also makes me feel like i’m being very selfish.

He’s had it rough the past few months. I know i just want to be there for him, i’ll listen. Yet my ear really isnt good enough because i cant possibly understand being a parent or being black or being from the city. What i think he cannot applied to himself the advice/opinions i have he just says i dont understand. He wants to run away from his life i get that from all the stress he is under. But cant we run away together?  No because i complicate his life so i’m a piece of the problem of the stress and pain.  Why am i grouped with her?  The Ex and child support, court and not being close enough to them. I’m not the problem u dont regret us, at least that part i know. 

We live here i walk around you, trying to stay out of your way. Cause you’d just rather be alone, so i stay in bed with no reason to get up on my days off so you can be alone. So i wont be a bother. I dont tell you my worries because it doesnt matter, i dont want u to feel more guilty or annoyed because of me. I dont want to tip-toe around you but if this is what you require right now then i wont push myself on you. I miss the passion you dont have anymore, stress weighing you down. And in your life i’m just someone else who wants attention someone else your tired of pleasing. I know this might not be how u really feel, but this is what your sending out to me. This is the side i’m seeing. I feel helpless theres nothing i can do.  Wait, like everyone else, for you to decided rather your staying or leaving or running or loving me. I dont want to BE one of the rest,  but its where u’ve placed me.

And probably because of the above, i’m getting down on myself. I dont feel good enough for him, at work. I like where i am, at work. Yet talks and pushs to step up and have my own store i feel are surrounding me. I’m so scared of that too i did that before and i got so burned i dont have the faith like that i did the first time, that it will work out.  I want to know, i’m not in the risking mood.  He lectures me on that no matter the words i always hear the same thing.  Grow up stop being a kid stop being afraid of people.  Being told doesnt wipe away the fears just makes u feel stupid for having them. Of course i need more money i feel i could float, but i dont want to be forced into finding out.  I’m not ready.

Dreaming lately, stuck on sex, i think too much. Never feels like they do. It makes me mad i wish i didnt think about sex so much.  It makes me want and i just feel so disappointed trying. This is a problem i have, cause its happened with both.  I think and want and if i happen to get lucky, my mind gets in the way and i feel bad, like i’m being taken pity on is the only reason they are with me. Why must i alway be rejected. I feel ugly again.

am i silently sinking again?
this feels like a repeat