love doesnt know

a movie provokes thoughts or a mood, one in which i havent seen for awhile. In this mood i think inside my head and words come so easily at the tips of my fingers unforced just flow thru my being. I wonder why moods like this, are becoming but moments in my life when i use to live completely ingolfed in this feeling. I am not sad nor happy just free feeling released from the molds that my daily shit fits into. This is the place, state, in which i use to write. Disconnected from reality yet more in touch with feeling.  Its odd and i miss this feeling.  My headphones are on and soft music flows thru my ears this hasnt happened for over a month.

And my mind doesnt dwell on any one thing just runs over lots of thoughts. Like i wonder how M and I will turn out and what if he leaves. I hope i’m not his mistake. I know what i am a step away from his daughter a leap away from his family, that unit that i’ll never have with him because he already has it with someone else. We’ll never be a family, now thats a thought to be sad about.

I find that i’ve been happier yet so caught up and busy i havent had a chance to feel stop and let my heart just beat. New apartment things to take care of and soo many stresses about money. That i also know i can not afford what i am doing. I cant pay for everything in 6months from now i’m going to be completely drowning. Today i’m floating by but thats only going to work for so long i wonder how long i can keep this up. I asked, had the money talk with him. To see if he was going to help take on a bit of the cost of being here.  He said he would but it doesnt really make me feel better cause he’s not good with money i’m afraid he’ll just let things get late if i wait on him to take care of it. I got an unexpect bill for some stupid taxes due and for the first time ever i knew i couldnt pay it and know for sure it will be late probably by a couple of months i dont have the money for unexpectedness when i dont even have the money for the food i’m buying on credit. I didnt think this would be me i Never lived off my cards before here i am getting myself into to debit that i dont know how to stop right now.

I wonder about Derek. How things will turn out for him and how with each conversation i feel more and more distance, things he doesnt share. Things to keep to himself and share with his gf, things that i dont have any place in anymore. I dont know if we are going to stay friends.  Yet whats friendship, i think we will have that.. at its basic form. Yet i dont wanna lose him, knowing him how its going to react. Change evole into someone i dont know that he refused to be with me. Maybe thats how he sees me. Maybe he always wanted me to be this person (i am now) when i was with him, yet i couldnt really be because of him. Just so much history and its really hard to let go. I was going to marry him at one point and he wanted me the same way. What if thats the only person who ever wants that with me. I dont dream of it anymore, my marriage dreams broke part with him.

And even sometimes i wonder what if something happened to M. Would any of his family know how much i loved him would i even matter to them. No probably not i was just another girlfriend. If something happened would i still get to love your son. I’d probably never see him again.

Okay so maybe this mood is more sad then i realized maybe i’ve been so locked up. Just doing what has to be done, working and endlessly cleaning and picking up and making dinner my feelings are getting locked up again.

I wonder how to be a selfish lover not give until pleased. I give and am enjoyed but not often fullfilled. Makes me feel like something is wrong with me, why isnt it enough. From his experience this is what works, am i just different then them. I think some of it stems from i want too much i feel  he gives in instead of wanting just as much back. Its in my mind it all gets in the way, i start thinking and worrying and dont get to be relaxed. I’m dying to please. I tried to say in the most light hearted way that i fake (at times) and it stayed on his mind and bothered him so i dont know how to talk about it. So fyi, foreplay is important slow down.  What turns me on?  Where on my body can i be touched/kiss and instantly hold my breath. I dont know.  I know what i do to him that turns me on, but not what is done to me. Maybe thats the bottom problem i dont sit and wait to be touched i dont hold back, i’m always first to jump in. If it was body satisfied would i want it as much as i do, when its not?   It always pleases every piece of my emtions and corners my heart i feel loved yet my body is left wondering why. 

Traveling this weekend its christmas for me. Going to see my family looking foward to the gifts and seeing my mom and the kids. Feel a bit weird about seeing my sister since that single phone call i havent really spoken to her. And i know when i’m there it will be like nothing is wrong conversations like normal she’ll be working and i’ll be lonely, so lonely. Like i always am when i go home, an outsider. I want M to go with me and i ask and ask and get the same no, just different excuses. Race that he’ll be the only black person in town, its too white for him. Commitment, that by somehow going with me to see the family they will view him as an in-law and think we are headed that way that its a big step. His son, he doesnt wanna be that far away from his boy what if and  he’ll miss him. Going to see the family already looking foward to coming back home.  I wish he’d come with me, i want to share my home where i’m from with him.

He’s out of music and out of the city he grew up in and because of that he misses all thats left behind, Choice, i hang onto that, at least try. I feel so to blame for taking him away. His choice, but he’s sad here doesnt feel himself, soft doesnt carry the fear/respect from his home anymore. Even if in choice he’s giving up too much for me and in the end its something he will dislike me for. -I could have still been in the clubs playing music if it wasnt for you-  I keep telling you go play but u say its not the same now. I hope you dont blame me.

Baby

I watch him sleeping
and know i’d do anything in the world
for him to be happy
Pulling him closer to me
knowing i’d do anything i could
to protect him
i sleep beside him most of time
i know i have to give that up
But if he cries i want to be right there
yet its not my place
And when i stare at his peaceful
dreaming face, i think
i love your daddy so much
he’s not mine
but my love doesnt know that

12:50am