u kissed life into my soul

I spoke with my sister the other day, spent about an hour or so on the phone. I havent talked to her since July when she lied to me bout reading my diary. She sent me a text msg and it made me feel bad so i called and picked up conversation as if the silents never happened, talking bout the daily stuff. When really i wanted to ask why did you do it, i wanted to ask the same question which pissed me off and drove me away from her because i never got the answers. He’s right i need to deal with it and its probably gonna be easier to start with her i hold back because i think shes going to lie to me. My sister lies alot, she feeds ppl the easy answers so she doesnt have to deal with unhappy reactions of the truth. I love her but i cant trust her to give me the facts.  And can you believe somewhere inside me feels bad for calling her for giving in, when nothing was solved.  Maybe i’m like him capable of cutting people out of my life.  On the daily, she has just started another job, collecting child support from her husband whom she does not live with and might be going foward with finally getting a divorce.  Good for her.

Something is ending, really this time not just in words, but adding distance and i have mixed feelings over the issue. Derek and i are finally going our seprate ways, moving away and leaving the past behind. Thats sad for me in some ways and others i’m finally breathing a much needed sigh of relief. Dont get confused, I’m losing a friend and since i have so very few its sad and i dont know how to say goodbye. I hope it works for him. We both need to have different lives, away and unconnected from one another, so there are good things bout it too. This part of breaking up i havent processed before, not counting on him. Being alone. I need this for me to feel better about myself maybe to prove i dont need him and he needs to learn to not lean on me also. Its weird, isnt that what friends are for?  But its a different situations having a past together. Goodbye

I say alone because inside i am. I havent been at this point in my life before, or it was so long ago i dont remember. The point being completely in the dark about the future, what lies ahead for me i use to know have some sort of idea of how things might/could go. Now i’m just lost to the uncertainness.  My future has no plans and worse yet it doesnt even have enough dreams to fill the darkness. Been burned afraid to dream, dreaming makes me feel so fucking stupid. I gave everything in my being to a dream that completely fell apart. Young girls love so  easily, oh my god i’m a women, not easily tempted by the right words. A women, carrying around experience does that make me more careful or just bitter?  Yet still just as swept up yet so much more aware of what i’m doing the choice i decided to make it wont be like before. I feel single and sometimes i smile at that because he gives me so much freedom that i dont have to check in or explain myself in any way and it forces myself to make decisions on my own. He’s teaching me how to rely on myself. Thats the upside to feeling single. And the down i’m terrified i cant count on him that if i needed help he wouldnt be there for me. I dont like feeling alone when i have someone who loves me, whom i love. The things that use to mean so much to me like getting married and being fucking perfect just doesnt hold anything in my heart now. All i want, my desire is to know you will be there, without any doubts or rules.

I worry i cant give back what you granted me, freedom.  I dont want to know where you are at all times, i dont want you to check in because i have something greater then information i have belief that no matter what your day is like you’ll come home to me. I never realized how powerful that trust is, and really, that is what i’m seeking. I like sharing my day with you, i like when you come home to share yours and neither of us have to ask for information its just given. Talk openly no need to pull ungiven things forth. And i like that you listen and in small moments we share a connection that seems to last all day. By the simple things, like pulling me to you when you fall asleep, and cleaning. I never got how picking up could be romantic, in fact it seemed kinda dumb to me (at least w/d) now i get it. I apricate things so much more because i dont expect anything from you, like you are with me. It works out so well on that ground too because each little thing is something. You love amazingly simple and i love that. Do i give you, what you give me?

I signed a lease a one bedroom here in town. Exciting and scary about the same things like making my own choices. Afraid of being lonely all by myself, moving around the space with no one to talk with thats fear. Happy that i get to pick what i want for plates and how i arrange my rooms and having sole responsiblity, i like that part at least bout not needing help, able to take care of myself. I hope it works out.  The bleak unknownness could be wonderful and terrible, good and bad all mixed up.  I’m moving foward with my life, closing an eight year chapter.

You healed me
and i can stand on my own
now that i believe
What you always have
i thank you for giving me
back who i was that was lost
and hidden under the scars
breathing all of it in now
and happy to be doing such
you kissed life back into my soul