waves goodbye

Tonight I’m scared.

What my life will change. And tears are in my eyes and i’m trying not to cry to be stronger then my fear of being alone. But its really holding onto to me tonight and i hope it all just passes me by and i go back to my happiness. Please do not let this be a relapse into my past i’ve come so far from what i use to be. I am stronger then my emotions I’m in control.

M is returning to the city, home. He will be closer to his happiness there, his children, friends and family. I want him to be happy and he’s not and thats nothing i can fix he has to do it. Which means making life easier, leaving. I understand and i support his choice and i would never ask him to stay or udder the words please dont go. Guilt he doesnt need he knows how i feel. He’s going to be the man to his family, to reclaim a family thats falling apart without him. I’ll never have what she does and if he goes back i cant even be mad cause i understand and that sucks. I fear the unit when i’m just out here by myself, the outsider. Attached no little hands, no playing, no movies. I can’t help it i love him too you know this.

Derek wants to move back home too, he talked bout it more seriously tonight said he parents were cleaning up the extra room for him. Brought the vaccum home to start cleaning up and he talked about bringing boxes home from work might as well start packing up.  WHAT?   I understand… i hate being so understanding sometimes..it prevents me from saying anything to object. Leave me with a rent i cant afford. I dont know when it will happen according to him before the new year. He’s got a girlfriend in PA and is hoping to move out there at some point.  The moving part doesnt worry me its the time frame in which he is pushing me into that i cant afford.

They running away from me for home.  Why cant my momma live around the damn corner so i can just go back home and live rent free and not have the worries of rent and electric and internet. On one hand i wish i could do the same thing (if my fam was around here).  On the other hand i’m wildly independent of my family and it would make me feel less then i went crawling back home…pride its a downfall somtimes. So my plan, work myself to death so i have no time to think to be sad to wonder, keep busy. Make money get outta debt and move on my own, i guess.  I have to take care of me no one has that responsiblity.  I have to look out for myself and just hope to god all the rest falls into place. Hope m doesnt leave me when we dont see each other very much, hope i can be strong enough to watch everyone walk away and really be alone.  alone..please god let this just be a passing mood dont let it stick too me and bring me down. I had my happiness, i found it this wonderful piece of time that i was glowing. My fear its slipping away from me and i’m going to let it so he can find his.

*whips her tears away and waves goodbye*