could i be your wife

i put on the cd M gave me and i lay in my bed listening and reflecting in my mind. So i had to get up and come sit and place my thoughts down. I had a thought tonight, a realization, the kind of thing that sticks in your mind. That you can repeat a million times in your head but is so much harder to say out loud.

Its been a year since we first started talking, more then just the hi’s at work. A year ago he sent me an email after trying for months to get my address, to get to know me. When  you come to realize something, it makes everything else different sometimes in a big way and other times its just a ripple. Some thoughts cross your mind and changes you. Tonight just like then, my thoughts are of M. This tiny seed of truth, i would marry him. And its not just a daydream and its not just a happy thought. We’ve joked about this since we got together, this thought is different then that, its not a joke.

Last year at this time i was so unhappy. Hoping to change my whole mood and relationship with a ring. I was fed up and hopeless. I wont forget how i threw my ring in his face with my fake smile and watched it crush him. I was "happy" for a moment but i saw the hurt i caused him.

I let him in my life, chatting. And when i wasnt even aware of it he crawled into my heart. I love him, and it was a realization like this. At the time he was my sunshine thru all the clouds. I’ve had good moments, good chunks of time with my Ex. Yet its never been quite like this for me before. I’m a better person for loving him. I’ve never had the good, being happy, last for so long before and its soo easy. The saddness that consumed my life that was in my every breathe, is now just a phase. When i get sad it doesnt last as long it doesnt eat my life up. Its just for a moment and he snaps me back to reality.

And he tells me about a husband who talks about his wife thats just passed and they spent 60years together. And i think, i hope thats us someday. I cant say this though sometimes i’m afraid i’ll scare him away with what i dream and what i want.

He is not moving with her and the kids. I know on some level that makes it as if i’ve won. But its so bitter sweet because either way he loose. I’m happy i get to hang onto him and sad for him too. I wonder about our unknown future, a thought creeps in, will he leave me like he left her. I hope only good things for her, that she finds someone worthy of her love. This is odd because she is his ex, maybe. Yet i love that little boy and i want his mommy to be happy. Just as long as i get to keep M in my arms. I want all of their lives to have millions of real smiles. I hope he and his ex work something out that will please each of them. I hope i’m not the reason they fell apart.

I realized tonight i want to be his wife. And now i have happy tears.