i’m worth loving

I havent written a real entry in awhile, one in which doesnt have me overly complaining about any given issue or talking to M. So i have a lot of my mind lately I get lost in my thoughts sometimes. Trying to figure each choice out and the path that it will lead.

Oh do i have a job?  No, not yet. I havent really been looking honestly. I need to find the confience and the right attetuide to face putting myself out there. I havent had trouble finding work in the past and i guess i keep believing when I’m ready a job will be easy to find. Somedays i wake up and feel that strenght to go out and look and somehow between waking up and taking a shower and getting dressed i lose it getting trapped up in my head. I’m gonna do it tomorrow, i keep repeating. I do need to find work to bring in a paycheck again the last thing I want to do is use every penny i have and be starting again.  Yet tomorrow i always believe i’ll be someone better. I did update my resume and record all my work info but that is as far as i’ve gotten. I need to be stronger. I want go to talk with the HR at Target (my last job) and see if i can be rehired. Or rather when they marked me down in the computer did they recommend i be rehired or not. I miss my job, i miss the people and being good at something. I would not go back to Target as a teamlead, learned my lesson there. But i want to go back as a team member, i always liked that job. I gathered all my courage and went up there to talk to the HR and she wasnt in that day.  Ugh.. now i need to do that again. Its so hard to get ahold of her. I miss my overnights and even the people whom i never quite fit in with. I know i could probably find that somewhere else, yes. That feeling of belonging of being good at something, but i know the process the inside of my old job so well. I dont know whats going to happen on the job i just know i need to stop being a damn push off and go and do it.

So without a job, how am I filling all of my extra time?  Very poorly.  I admit it was nice as first playing the wife and honestly i just wanted to enjoy that so i wasnt looking. Now i’m a women with a boyfriend, and i dont know how to date. I’ve never spent any amount of time dating. I’m assuming dating is having a plan a set time to meet up spend time together and then go seprate ways. I dont want to date. But what i am getting is even less then that, because M wont commit to a time/day. So its just all up in the air for me waiting endless. I spend my days waiting for the phone to ring, thats pathic. How did he get so much control… how did i let myself become one of those girls. I cry almost everyday now. Which most would assume i’m sad.  Yes in a lot of ways i am. In a lot of ways i’ve also never been this happy. I smile and cry because of think of M all the time. But its different then in the past, as much as i try to think its all the same and its just happening all over again. Its different because i’m not the same person i was. Because in these 8months there hasnt been any low like in my past. Sadness and depression are very different feelings. I do get sad but since M gave me a way toward a better me i havent been depressed. I also havent cut myself, as much as i’ve wanted to at times i havent because its not worth it. The hurt or pain i feel in that moment is not worth putting another scar on my body. I thought I was doing it for him, but I’m doing it for myself. In the last eight months i’ve felt better about myself then i have in the last three years. Thats huge for me even if he doesnt think i’ve changed. I feel different inside..its started. I’m not saying i wont have set backs and i wont get sad or cry, i will always do that. Who am I?  I’m emotional, this i accept and i don’t see it as such a big negative. Because the same degree in which i get angry or sad is the same passion in which i love and in which i am happy.  I’m proud so much so it probably will do me harm. I wont ask for help when I need it. I’m beautiful and not because the way my hair looks for what clothes i have on, because i have something good in my soul worth sharing. I have got to get the idea of being needed out of my head (my friend says) i believe it. I am obbessed with being needed, to do something or give something in order to be around me, having someone depentand on me because inside  my head i feel as if thats the only thing i have to give. I want to be wanted, because of who i am.. not what i provide.  This is so important and sometimes i can realize and other time i cant see it. I’m worth loving. When the guys in my life told me they loved me.. i always wondered why…why me..what do i have to give…why am i worth caring about.  Why would someone love ME? I am a good person and i have qualites that are unique to me. We all share somethings in common but everyone has something that is theirs alone.  At least I think so.  How else can you explain soul mates and Mr Right, something inside you speaking to someone else, something only the two of you can hear. And no matter how many people you fall in love with or how many times you swear its the right one, something different i hope will happen when its True.

I am in love. How do i know this?  Because i still watch him sleeping and hope there will always be a lifetime full of tomorrows. Because he is an amazing father and the most respectful child I’ve ever met. Because he tries so damn hard to make everyone happy. He doesnt require anything i dont want to give, even in my little experience know that is so rare. Because happiness means something, not just something to hope for but something to be, to hold inside and take resposilbity for. I know he would never try to hurt me. He pays attention to the little things i might do to put a smile on his face, they mean something. I love you because you embrace good values and doing the right thing. I love him and a place inside me hopes that i’ll never kiss anybody else again.

you do not have to pick
between them or me
i’m not going anywhere

you can have both