just go

when i lay next to  you
i get lost in you
believing nothing can take us apart
then morning comes
and i help you pack up your things
my heart is breaking
its the same thing all over again
i’m sorry i’m being mean
i know its for the best and it will make it better for you
don’t worry i’ll get over the hurt
of not having you here
honestly if your going..then just go
cause dragging it out saying everyday
it will be tomorrow, it just hurting too

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……i cry and you havent even left yet.  You get your life back and i get mine taken away….you give me reason for waking up for living. I dont think you understand im not very strong on my own..i dont think i realize how strong i could be. And i know its better to break my heart then watch your daughter become a stranger… i admire you for being such a wonderful dad. I wish my father would have stopped and considered me instead of making a life with someone else.  I’m torn and i know you are too. 

the place i find..hope…isnt there anymore.. i cant see anything good in the future. I cant hope to live with you.. i just dont think you will want to take on that again more bills to pay. I think you will enjoy your freedom greatly. I think i will find new independence. I  dont want a fucking apartment on my own…i dont wanna be that alone.  Fall is stalking me all the time.  I worry about what derek will do with living..even though he doesnt seem to be.

and i know it now…i do…i will be angry with you for leaving even though i fully understand why, even thought i support your choice. I will be angery cause i feel helpless. And i might not want you to come see me when u want..and i might not answer my phone…  which just for the record why i dont answer my phone when u call now is becuase i’m jealous..your out having a good time somewhere..and i never go anywhere.  On the phone i feel left out and hearing you sometimes hurts cause i’m missing you.  Your right your putting a wedge between us. 

Dont you say… its not you and i..that it is us.  Its not us, until i know you wont run away, until im sure i can count on you. You cant say its "us" and not have any idea if u’d live with me in the fall. I dont wanna go  back to PA i dont wanna be forced into something i will hate myself for….how much am i willing to give up to not have that happen. Feeling safe in my home…am i willing to give that up?  Which path of worse would i rather go down…. Yes i know im wayyy too negative and it could all work out to the best.  but this is my own diary to put all my shit thoughts.

i wanna cut already

a choice to be happy or to be sad.    i have to decide how im going to live my life. but when im happy i miss being sad..happiness feels fake..and everytime im happy i fall too pieces…. im sick of losing out on my smile..im tired of the up and down of not knowing.  Its all under my control…i just dont know how to control it.  How do you tell yourself to stop thinking things you’ve always thought. I need to be reprogrammed.  Give me some drugs….

I’m not important enough to be considered part of your future…tomorrow sure..next week..who knows.  I understand now..why you didnt marry her even thought she will forever be in and a part of your life.