caves of my mind

the boiling in my mind
caves darker then the last
creeping over my thoughts
holding me down
begging me not to try
not this time
give up, i plead
silent locked up tight
break me open
give me reason
to find my voice
before my sickness
leaks out of my head
and everything is gone

My worry about moving has left me in tears at some moments. I’m so afraid of what will happen in 6months when the lease is up and a choice needs to be made. It takes months to get into an apartment so i need to find something and be put on some sort of list or something..at least thats how i’ve known it to work in the past. Plus it does take time setting appt to look at one place after another. I dont know what im doing.  I dont wanna live alone, i dont wanna fail and go back home. I cant afford to live by myself. I guess what scares me more is i dont know if i can count on him, i dont know what his plans are for the future and it feels as if its too soon to ask him to pick me when he says we’re not gonna last. I dont wanna get into an apartment where i need him and he decided i’m not worth the crap anymore, then what will happen to me? Stuck with a lease i can afford.  In my world, we find an apartment together, 2bedrooms for the kids and stay put together.  Yet when he tells me of how quickly he can dismiss someone and he doesnt want all the drama shit. It makes me feel like a kid, not mature enough to put life into perspective. When all i’ve known is i’ve acted too old for my age, its confusing.

And it does make me miss Derek, not being together but maybe realizing what i gave up. Comparing gets me no where yet still i do it, maybe because there has been only two men in my life. Parts of me will always love derek, i’ve known this, i was taken care of.  I dont want derek back, no i know our lack of speaking was the downfall. Its always my downfall with everything i’ve cared about. Its going to be hard for me to not see him, count on him when i move.

So life is what is bothering me, the fact that i cant see a plan for my life that i dont know what to do with myself. That i dont know what will happen between us. Stop talking about leaving, taking your things back home. I thought this was home. I know i cant take a joke…and if you know this why do u say things i would consider important in such a way as it makes no difference at all. You point out all thats wrong in my head, that has me all fucked up on the inside.. i know i need work, i need someone to hold on who isnt always ready to walk away. *tears*

i want to be a part of your life, and you know this cause all the girls fall for you. I scare myself with how much i’d do for you, how much i’d change or give up. And what is a bit crazy is i know u wouldnt do the same for me. Rather you know it or not being this vunerable is hard for me, knowing how badly you could hurt me.  I dont think you have that either because what is here today and gone tomorrow doesnt make you sad.

So what does a almost 24 year old do when she is jobless and has no direction for any life past today, cuase i would really like to know. I love your bad ass son, and yes it does make me what a child of my own and you would think thats fucking stupid cause im such a mess most of the time. I’m scared of getting married of chasing that dream again when it cracked me before. I just need a new me