forgive me

yes see now you understand, why derek doesnt want me anymore…..maybe now your starting to realized what an emotionally fucked up person i am. And sometimes i hate me and your going to leave me because of it. Tell  you why im upset…. but u dont wanna hear it.. u made that clear, i cant talk about how much work is killing me. How everyday when im supposes to be sleeping in the evening i’m awake driving myself crazy and crying cause i dont wanna face another night where its on me. It hurts and i know what you’ll say its all in my head….this is true but it knowing that doesnt make the ache less. 

question why  is it when jr is here you want me…and when he’s not, and the chance is there… you dont. Was i disappointed…yes and no.  No, not becuase i didnt reach that point., thats never bothered me, twice you think.  Yes because it seems like u were just giving me what i wanted, something u have to take care of.. not something you want. Dont you know when i want you its all emotional for me, its not bout touch, a need to feel something in my heart; connection.

yes im sad your leaving, that i cant go with you. I’m not mad, life is just a little easier when your around. i wanna cut i wanna feel beautiful.

i’m tired my body hurts, trying too hard and still failing.. why bother to care, im losing  my hope that it will all work itself out, more management just more people to try and impress… im just so tired. They all think im not trying….then why does it hurt so much to fail. I wont yell, a requirement, so i suck.  Why you walk away when i feel so sad, cause im quiet…. just hold my hand say you’ll be there for me.  But you cant say that when you threating to leave me. Do you worry i’ll leave?  Probably not, i hope i’ve never given you reason to think that.  Its always stuck in the back of my mind, u know….what if one day i get sad and you decide your tired of it and walk away. It would kill me, eat at my mind.

more doubt, knowing thats his reason… why im not worth a chance… cause my mind, who i am. You pushed to talk and i dont wanna know its all my fault. That i pushed, in my emotions, so roughly that he became a different person because im so unstable. That now in the truth he didnt like being with me. He stopped talking because of me, becuase of my sick mind, its my fault. I guess i need to learn not to count on him.

I’m lost in love and i hope i never find my way out again, M please dont let go