calling out
i dont know what i am doing, i know i’d rather cut myself up then take my ass to work. i called out, and yesterday i didnt even do that much..just didnt bother showing up. I dont want to be fired, but i dont know what i’m doing. i feel bad…terrible either way, at least staying home is less stress. Yes, your right… I’m afraid.
Afraid of work, of failing of facing the challenge. Always scared of life i am, thought i was changing and its right back with me. I dont agree with myself on anything. Torn like normal, head and heart..right and wrong…it never agrees. Why cant i make myself do what i should. 🙁 i wish i could cut… i know it doesnt solve a fucking thing but at least it says look i’m hurting, not as if it makes a difference. I have no voice…fear….let go…i dont know how..and i hate it.
Apparently i’m already trying his patience. i called..i at least did that much tonight. He’s getting fed up with me, afraid of making him angry with me. Its not your fault, i know you feel guilty i’m aware i can not convice you otherwise. Yet i still want you to know your not the reason i’m not going to work. Its being pushed into something i’m not ready for, i dont know if i’ll ever be ready either.. to be that people person..to care. I dont want to dive into the personal lives of my team, to know each of their home lives as to feel for them. I know it order to be Good at my job i need to do that and i dont want to. I dont want someone working to impress me, because i’m too stupid to take notice anyway. Tell me what went wrong what we can do better….i dont know. I’m drowning just trying to keep track of where everyone is on the floor and how much is left to do in a certain amount of time. How am i supposes to have time to do push audits and talk to people and care and watch how someone works to be able to tell you if they are doing good or bad, how am i supposes to be able to be every where at once….to push "my" team to work better for me. Are you kidding me why should they? They dont work for me..and i cant wrap my head around the idea that they should even care what i think. Yes my title tells them they need to impress. But its just me…and i am not my title. What the fuck did i sign up for with this title? I’ve learned a lot since when i first started, yeah i agree to that. I was so unaware going into this job though. Have i gotten better? Probably not….pretty much stayed the same since i first started. To fail..give up…i dont really see it as that, i just see that i’m finally figuring out what the job roles are and i’m pretty sure that its not for me. But i want, need, my hours. Seems stupid saying that seeing as how i’m calling out. But my hours as a worker bee i need for them not to get cut down. I need to step down before i get myself fired…i know this….cant you see it?