waking as a child, love me still

gemini

If your waiting to see the other side you can stop because you saw. My other side isnt mean or being a bitch, its sadness depression. Sometimes i just dont know whats wrong with me, maybe my dreams arent so nice…dont know never can remember them. I woke up sad for no real reason. Slept later then i had wanted to because of that i had a text on my cell saying M had wanted to come see but didnt becuase i wasnt answering my phone. Which in a normal mood would have made be annoyed with myself,  yeah but i’d know tomorrow is so close.

what is wrong with me?  When i get sad i try and push those who love me away, lost in my mind i believe it will cause then less pain then getting inside my head. I was sitting wrapped in my covers in my dark bedroom with M on the phone and tears running down my cheeks and i couldnt even tell you why.  He believes its the issues with my father and all the unsaid words thats keeping  me sad. Whenever the idea of my dad gets into my mind i get sad too quickly.

I told him not to come here, i didnt want him to have to drive here turn around and drive back to work not much time to spend here. I was tired i should have just let the conversation end and went back to sleep. Mad at myself for sleeping too long wouldnt give back in. I fight sleep. I dont even remember what i was saying on the phone and this only happened last night.

"If this is how its going to be, then we arent going to work"  Let me tell you the truth hurts, even now thinking about makes me teary. Once he said that thoughts ran like a waterfall too many emotions, lost my grip. You’d leave me because i was sad and you dont wanna deal with that shit.

Sometimes when i wake up,  I’m 12 years old and have no controll over anything. I’m a punching bag and i invite hate upon me weak and unforgiving of myself.  I forget i’m an adult with the choice to not let it bother me. Why the fuck do i do this, why do i let it bother me so much? Depression is my default setting its my known. And no matter how much i dont want it to be, i feel powerless.

he called me crazy, i use to feed off of a comment like that. Believe and make it true, if you think i’m crazy i might as well be easier to change me then your mind. Please dont call me crazy…i’ve done crazy before, i dont want to be there.

And when i get sad, i worry him sick he doesnt trust me to be alone he thinks i’ll hurt myself. (like a crazy girl) And i’ll admit the thoughts did cross my mind, but knowing i have him i have no need for my blade. I hung up the phone too upset..my words untrue i needed to be left be. He showed up at my door mad at me. God i love you and the way you care about me. Confirming he would leave my ass if i kept this up, he worked to hard trying to make me happy to have me just throw it aside as if it didnt matter. That i have no reason to be sad. That if i’m going to be depressed when he cant be around or see me, if i’ve had a stressful day that im not going to able to deal with it or spend time with his son without becoming sad, that i wasnt fucking worth it (not in those words)

I had no idea it would provoke such a reaction from him. I had no intention of trying to ruin what we have together, or screw up the happiness we have been feeling. I listened yet i couldnt stop thinking. Thinking….wow i cant believe your here, no one has ever taken me this serious no one has ever yelled at me when maybe i need it, i love you so damn much for being worried. Even though i’m sorry for making you worry like you did.

And what it comes down to, i’m being childish… yes i am. I know this its because i FEEL like a child, just please help me figure out that when i wake up and i feel the way i did…how to get a handle on it.  Fix it or forget it…..i cant fucking forget.. if i could i would have long ago, i dont want to carry this with me anymore, yet it still makes me upset.

my other side the one i cant understand, the one in which i have no control over anything and i crawl back into my shell…  dont compare me to them…i’m not crazy, its taken me years to finally believe that about myself. I’m afraid now that if i cant control what i feel, if i get too upset or  too sad he’ll walk away and not even look back.

I love you too much to let go, please dont let go of me. You’re what i’ve been needing in my life, and i can spend the rest of my life wanting what i need. Loving you is the best thing i can do with my days, it all starts with something simple but my how love can grow when its cared of, i wanna take care of you… let me…