i lose my mind

Reality is starting to settle in around me. Pointing out my choices, what do i do now? Where do i go..do i stay? Its scary yet i’m still welcoming the change. The choices are mine to decide to struggle thru and plan out and there is pride in that. Its on my shoulders now to make it on my own and i can do it too.

One hand i wanna stay here, at this apartment it would be easier for me. I wouldnt have to learn a new area, where to shop and to learn new streets, i wouldnt have to pack up my stuff and set up home somewhere new. I could just fill in this place with all my own stuff.  On the other hand thought the rent here is high that worries me i dont wanna strech myself too thinnly over everything so i cant ever have fun. I think it would feel weird/odd being here alone, having always have been here with derek. I dont know how the office will respond to two ppl on the lease dropping down to one, they probably will say i cant afford this place myself. I dont know if i can change the lease like that. I could stay here, this apartment place and just trasfer to a one bedroom. I’ve never had choices like this to make myself. This is life, i feel like an adult gone the child inside. I take care of me and make the choices in my life that effects who i am and my happiness. 

wow what power i have over me, i never knew it was there before. Too caught up in trying to please derek too restricted to feeling useless and used to know any difference.

THE CHOICE IS MINE….. wow……damn i never knew resposiblity would taste so much like freedom.

I’m gonna get my own car too, i hope before christmas so i can go see my family. Its not gonna feel like christmas this year i wont have a lover beside me when i wake up. The thought of waking up christmas moring alone makes me feel sad. I cant and wont be at my familys for that event, i dont really like being there on xmas day itself too much family i feel too much like an outsider plus i’d just be wishing to be somewhere else so whats the point in faking it.  Christmas eve i hope i can spend with them and then come back to CT… home…where ever that is anyway. Its only a month away so many exhusting days to put in at work it will drag and then be here too soon.

I look in M eyes and i cant look away the world melts away. I had great thanksgiving.  Left work too late like normal, had a text msg, sat with M for awhile talking, headed home, stopped at the grocery store. Got home like 11am and derek was annoyed cause i was so late with the car.  Cleaned the house a bit took a shower got pretty and called M to come over.  We made another attempt at watching a movie, but sitting so closely…we dont even get involed in the dvd, just each other. Kisses and desire, rolling around on the living room floor, hot. I lost all sense of where i was, eyes shut, only him and me, wow.   Uncontrollable fire, passion, tempting… its never been like that for me. I would do whatever he wanted cause i wouldnt even know what was going on. Am i bad?  He says so, i say he makes me that way, No according to him just never been brave enough to stop being cautious that i’ve always been bad, in a good way. High sex drive this i can agree with, he hopes he can keep up with me.  Damn am i really like that?  Shit i just lose my mind..and i dont even know.  Another movie ends we will have to rewatch, hehe. Then the most peaceful thing, he falls asleep and i take his hand and lead him to the bed to rest.  And when the person you love is cuddled up on your bed sleeping dreaming..makes me feel such a need to take care of him, so that peacefulness stays always.  I put together dinner and then put it in the oven, by this time i’m getting sleepy myself since we both been awake since the evening before.  I crawl in bed behind him and rub his back and kiss his head. I’m in love, i dont even know why or how or anything. I just know when i look at him i dont wanna let go or be without or know anyone else watching him sleeping…god my heart talks. I wanna lay with him cuddle up and wake up next to him everyday, i want to have a life shared, to take care of, keep him happy, spoil him and show him he deserve the best. Its overwhelming seems too fast to feel so much too get so caught up in the peace of his sleep. Mistake i give in and lay down next to him and fall asleep..awake up ..shit.. oven.. food… crap.  It wasnt really that bad, cheese got a little brown but it still was good..lucky.  Turned off the lights, oven and made the place dark and went back to bed to cuddle with my man.  He wrapped his arm around me, side sleeper, i was out.  I dont even think either of us moved all night, i woke up next at 530am, we had cheesecake for breakfast.  I’m so caught up, addicted to his smile. What is it about that couch that makes me wanna kiss him so much, cause we never just sit down and chill. I take his hand lead him to the bedroom, I am a happy girl let me tell you. He used my  pc to look and order stuff online, i showed him the games i liked to play on dereks pc. Please let me take care of… he said i was spoiling him, good i think..just realize its nice dont come to expect it..ya know. I’ll give everything i can for love.    AHHH I wish he was here right now..thinking…too much.   He played music, derek called so we left went and sat in his car as i got my music lesson. I dont think i can do what he does, play/mix music like that..but its gonna be fun messing up trying to learn. Still feel i gotta learn to find pick up the beat quicker, i’ll catch on.  I was getting soo sleepy…he drove off like 1230pm.  Thats one of the best 24hours i’ve ever spent.

hearts, values, emotions all run the same…agree on the ideas of importance, outsides completely different…its so fast though, please god let it last, let us figure it out, work thru the issues that arise be smarter then in the past.

He said my poem/song (last entry) was "sweet"

*listening to Sanchez – I’m Missing You*   reggae is gonna take over my playlist… just please dont make me dance..not yet.. hehe

I’m losing myself, the old me..shedding my skin
love being the person i’m becoming
unafraid happy braver then ever before