only one life

I’m a confused person, i make everything complicated by over thinking every detail. That ring i wanted so desperately, to be engaged, i dont even wear it. It feels fake, in my mind something is supposes to be tied to that ring, happiness. Sure it was great getting it, i waited too long. But the happy days faded too quickly. I’m tired of pretending we are a happy couple, that we have it all sorted out. I know i’m not going to marry him, sad about that fact yes. But also relieaved that i dont have to try and put on a happy face.  Its been an emtional day.  I told him how i felt today, about the ring of course he notices i’m not wearing it.  I told him i wasnt happy in our relationship, that i’ve been waiting for so long too get the ring because to me it was going to fix/solve the missing piece i felt.  After having it i realize i still feel the same. I layed it out, I dont he can make me happy.  He kept asking why didnt i like him what did he do wrong. Nothing really, he’s been quite sweet to me. I just cant accept it, i dont want to.. i’ve been pushing him away for so long. I told him i’m not in love with him.  I care about him yes, we have lots of history i want to see him do well and find happiness, i dont want to hurt him. But its not really fair for either of us, if i continue to act as if everything is okay inside.  He was silent, asking very little and sharing even less. I wanted to hear what he was feeling but he couldnt say it i guess. I ask him, what if we break up.  Where would he go what would he do, would he move back home,, i know he cant think of that and its a lot of info for him all at one time. I ask him to try and think of what he would do, to be prepared for it.. if it does happen.  I dont want to throw him out or have it come to being angry.  I’m not mad at him at all. Just something is missing, i’ve felt like that a long time.. waiting and waiting for it to get better, for me to  be happy with this situation. I’m  discovering that its not gonna change that maybe what i’m missing i cant find with him. Its all really scary to me to think about a life without him, he’s been everyday for so long. I’m tired of being stuck in okay, i wanna be happy.

On a work note, things fell apart so quickly.  Monday night the other TL said he was giving his two weeks notice. I nearly cried just hearing that. My whole night sank i couldnt even form a complete thought, my mind was racing and i was seconds away from tears all night long. It wasnt because i would miss him, i just dont think i can do it be the only boss, run the whole show myself have it all my shoulders. The whole process is mine to be responsble for, its a huge burden. And on monday when i heard that i fell apart inside. It was also a  bad night because M wasnt talking to me, determined to break it off to be silent that it would in the long run, make it easier. So i couldnt even go and talk to him about it. It was one of the worse days of work i’ve ever had. I left tues morning not ever wanting to come back to that place again. I left work at 630, which lately is early for me.  I came home got online, waited for M, in hopes he would talk to me.  I felt like killing myself, i wanted to die and all those old suicide feelings came rushing back. I went and grabbed the advil bottle the min i got home and dumped out the pills on my desk, damn i wish there would have been more. Only 12 pills left in the bottle, i took all of them.  M did come online and with a heavy heart chatted with me which made me feel a little better. Him not talking to me, not wanting anything to do with me really hurt. While taking the advil i was cutting too, not bad thought didnt seem to matter…the pain was too deep blood wasnt gonna fix it, i knew that so i didnt bother really. Made a few deeper cuts over my wrist is all, which are still healing. Thank god i had tues night off of work, i dont think i could have went.  Found out that on tuesday night the TL(jose) was fired basically, they walked him to the door and gave him two weeks pay right on the spot. I conviced myself i should look for another job that i was never going to be able to handle the team.  I told derek this and about the dozen pills. He didnt even question the pills…which hurt.. he didnt seem concerned with the amount ot anything.  He didnt have anything encouraging to say just agreed i should look for another job. Does he think i’m a failure?   The only reason i went to work on wed night is because i really wanted to see M, i wanted to call off so badly, i went for him.  Wed we didnt take a truck so it was a fairly easy night.  It ended up being a great night, i really needed that complete oppsite of monday. I was so happy to see M and he was talking to me again. I wore a huge smile all night, he told me people were making comments about how happy i was..and it was because of him. I was in such a good mood, blushing and smiling… i felt like an idiot..silly.  Irena told him, i was happy looks like i was in love.  I cant hide it now. Thrusday the double truck wasnt nearly as bad as i was thinking it was gonna be, almost everything was finished and if the xmas had been labelled correctly coming off the truck we might have been able to finish completely. It was a better night then i thought it. I’m getting a better respone from the crew too..having to talk with them more and getting more aware of how I say things better at commicating.. i hope anyway.  Or maybe now they realize i am the boss..only boss for the min. the other training TL will return back on in a couple days, he is in for a surprise. I hope i dont become the bad guy again, because people will respone/like him more. I try so hard to be nice..fair..put people where they want to be will work the best. Friday night things kinda fell apart again, we didnt even come close to finishing and it was just me and the ETL and a very small team, plus M had the night off.  Sunday isnt gonna be good either i know it, every weekend we fall apart and have to play catch up all week. I’m thinking i dont wanna fail, maybe i can do it….i’ll just have to wait and see how much i’m gonna get yelled at  from those higher then me. Thats gonna determine if i will stick it out. They say i need to own the store, the process belongs to me… but i dont feel like it does i still feel too new too untrained and clueless.

I think i’m falling for M, i cant stop smiling around him and i’m thinking about him all the time. He told me he loves me and we’ve been takling all the time online and now on the phone. Being so happy around him makes me realize that i’m missing something with my bf too. He wants to be with me, he said he cant be my friend he cares about me too much cant watch. He is soo amazingly sweet, old fashion and has such an idea of what love could be/should be its inspiring. I’m falling. People at work say we would make a good couple. I want to make him happy and see him smile. I’m scared at the same time its all so new and uncertain. He says i’m afraid to end up alone so i’m sticking with my bf as default.  He can read me so well.. i dont even have to say how i feel he notices everything. I want a chance to be with him.  Its such an unlikley match thought, to me anyway…its not what i would loo

k for, but he has everything i would think is a must to have in a bf. He is nine years older then me, for one thing, but being mature isnt such a bad thing since i feel so much older then i am. He’s a big black guy born in jamaica, came to nyc as a kid. He is a people person always talking with someone, a dj that plays at nightclubs. Soo very unlike the world i live in right now. He has such a heart of gold.  Maybe i could be happy..maybe having the chance to move on from my current relationship as been inspired by him..maybe. I think its just given me courage..that im not alone that i have someone who cares to fall back on, but i still want to do it on my own. Be my own person…lose my fear…be brave and social. He says we are gonna be together. Everything is always soo damn good in the "falling" stage of love, unsure if it will last.. but maybe it doesnt need to maybe i just need a hand to help me out. I dont want him to be silent or leave my life, but he says he cant wait around forever ….everyday he talks to me feelings grow deeper that he will just end up hurt more badly if he hangs on and i dont leave. I want a chance at something new..to be with him.  Its just all so hard…realizing i gave up on my relationship so long ago, i dont know how to move out get out…break up.. i dont want to hurt him. But i cant just continue to be nice because he loves me, i know derek loves me wants me….  but i dont feel like that anymore…there have been happy moments but i dont even remember feeling happy with derek now, it was a long time ago…probably before we lived together. I’m giving M so much hope.. he keeps telling me to follow my heart stop living by my head. My heart says jump leap fall give it a chance it could work it could be great. My head says i dont wanna start over i dont wanna fail, no matter how unhappy i am.  I need to start standing up for mysellf to put how i feel first…nobody else is going to thats for sure.

Its up to me, to make myself happy……its only one life…