things that happened while i was gone

So, 2 of you asked about when I’d be coming back and writing again. It really makes me feel good knowing I left such a HOLE IN THE OPEN DIARY COMMUNITY. jk.

It’s actually been easier to stay away from this place than I thought it would be. I miss it sometimes but for the most part, I’m good. Writing the story of my life so far really helped flush out a lot of residual regrets and helped me find a bit more peace with the way things are. It also summed up a lot of what I’ve been discussing all these years and granted a certain finality to the topics that voided any need to revisit them again, at least until they build up in my brain once more. But for now, I feel decompressed. Essentially, it’s left me with little else to write about. I’ve emptied myself out (in a good way) and I think I’m better for it.

Don’t get me wrong. I still want to die. But I’m learning to live with it.

A lot has happened but nothing has really changed, know what I mean? Well, there might be one change.  Here’s a breakdown. Read on!

gossip, girl
So. Work Girlfriend (WG) broke up with her fiance a couple of months ago. No one was really surprised…except her fiance. He smashed a mirror with his hand and had to get stitches.

Two days ago she told me she didn’t even think about him anymore, which leads one to believe they aren’t friends or even stay in contact. It confused me because they went from being in love to not speaking at all…unless they weren’t really in love in the first place. Well, at least on WG’s side. I think his feelings were genuine.

How does one go from wanting to spend the rest of their life with someone to never wanting to see them again? I can understand if a friendship dips into romance and one or both parties realizes it won’t pan out but remaining friends seems the more likely outcome. What makes the romance portion of the relationship sour the friendship to where a permanent separation is desired? Humans are confusing.

bran’s blunders
I got into my first car accident. I was rear-ended by three old women widows on their way to an all-you-can-eat buffet. I had the weekend off from work and a part of me just wanted to do what I usually do: lie in bed, watch Netflix movies, and masturbate, But I thought, "No, no. I need to get out. Do something. Go somewhere. Get some coffee and do some great writing. Explore. Drive. Breathe fresh air." And when I did go out and try to be something other than bed-ridden, I got plowed by the Golden Girls.

The best part is I was at fault. See, I was drinking at the time. I’m kidding. I had actually been smoking weed. I’m kidding. I was dancing with molly. Kidding. I was dancing with Miley. Kidding again. But I was actually listening to Miley Cyrus on the radio at the time, though, so I was definitely in the wrong there.

Wha ha happen was I was changing lanes and the lane I was changing into had a stop light up ahead that turned red. I was checking my rear and didn’t notice all the cars in the other lane ahead of me were stopping. So I changed lanes and the car in front of me hit the brakes, which caused me to hit mine. The lady behind me didn’t have enough room to come to a full stop and rammed me.

It wasn’t anything major and Blanche, Sophia, and Dorothy were all okay, which was the most important thing. I kept apologizing to the ladies and when everyone left, I got back into my car and burst into tears. I just wanted to pick up some candy corn-flavored Oreos at Target, dammit. (When I got there, the store didn’t even have any in stock. Typical.)

I think going 11 years without an accident is a pretty good run. But the guy we hired to repair my car ended up patching my bumper together with duck tape until the part he needed came in. So for about a week or so, I drove a duck-taped car, which reinforced my white trash-ness.

"Hey babe, why don’t we get in my duck-taped car and then head on down to the 99 cent store where I can pick you up some fancy chocolate…you know, as long as it’s on clearance, and then we can go back to my (parent’s) place and watch Cinamax…if I can get the antennae to cooperate. I’ll just need you to stand three feet away with some aluminum foil and a magnet. We’ll lay down on my couch very carefully…because of the exposed spring…and then I’ll fix you a nice glass of Red Bull and boxed wine. So, you wanna get this party started and why are you running from me?"

beard-versary
Last month marked one year since I started having a beard. I trimmed it down one time and then let it grow back when I got a negative response from my female co-workers. "The beard was better!" And then I shaved it off completely for a job interview. I grew it right back after that so besides those two incidences, I’ve been furry-faced and I like it. I’ll probably keep it for a while longer.

why are all writers assholes?
A couple of weeks ago, I had a week off from work and it just happened to coincide with a comic convention held in Florida. Isaac Marion, the author of Warm Bodies was doing a signing there. It was slightly last minute but I admired his work and story (he was originally self-published and landed a movie deal and then a book deal) so I thought I’d travel to Florida to see him.

The convention was held in a college and it was like a poor man’s Comic-Con. I had to wade through loads of nerdcore girls in blue body paint and bikinis and a sea of Furries to get to him. You’ll be proud of me. As out of my element as I was, surrounded by strangers engaged in Assassin’s Creed cosplay, I mustered up the courage to stop these masked marauders and asked for directions. But no one knew his whereabouts. I was told he was in this room or that room and when I went inside, people were either breaking down the tables and chairs or just setting up for another event.

I eventually found him at the end of a hall. I was the second and last person in line and was excited to talk to him. This man gave me hope. He wrote a great book and put it out there himself and it reached a wide audience and inspired a lot of people and was even turned into a movie. Quite the accomplishment. Some traditionally published authors can’t even say that.

But when I talked to him, he acted like he could not be less interested in being there or speaking to me. I told him I came from Alabama to see him and his story inspired me to keep writing because you just never know who might find it and promote it, like in his case. He just nodded and smiled and was not engaging or open. I took a picture with him, he scrawled his initials inside the book I brought for him to sign, and then he gave me a handshake and that was it. It took all of two minutes. I was disappointed. And there was no line. I was the only one there besides some other guy who was sitting at the table with him. I assumed it was the event coordinator or some kind of chaperone for him and Isaac talked to him more than me. I felt like I couldn’t wedge my way into their conversation so I thanked him and left. I had hoped he would ask me questions and start up a conversation since it was just us. You know, maybe make my time and travel worth it. But not so much.

So I was forced to make it worth it by visiting a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts. And Whataburger. And Wendy’s SHUTUP.

I haven’t had much luck connecting with writers.

and speaking of writing…
As I mentioned in a previous entry, one of the reasons I wanted to slow down my writing on OD was so I could focus on that book I’ve been squawking about for the past 25 years. I worked on it a little after I left here and then dropped it again. I can’t keep focus. I think it’s because a part of me is sick of writing in it. I’ve been working on it for so long and I’m tired of going over the same chapters and paragraphs and sentences. I think I’m also over that whole experience. A combination of writing the first few drafts coupled with self-evaluation and good old fashioned time has all helped me heal from those college wounds. And a big heaping dose of self-doubt and the immense pressure of putting my heart and soul into words has kept me from completing the work. It’s no easy task to write a book and I always wonder how people seem to be able to do it so quickly and effortlessly.

bran’s belly
GAINED A BUNCH OF WEIGHT AGAIN.

halloween
I wanted to delve into the pop culture realm this year but after Julianne Hough stole my costume idea, I threw away my blackface and whitewashed some poster board instead.

I wanted to get those art skillz flowing again so I decided to be an Instagram selfie. I spent way to much time and effort trying to make it a replica of my actual Instagram account. I even agonized over whether or not I should include the circular arrow refresh button on the top right because that would make it more accurate but it would also take away from the center focal point of the Instagram logo. I took some creative license and decided to leave it out. So it’s not quite a replica but I think it looks stronger that way.

I even had changeable filters but the construction of that sucked and it took way too much time to change the filters. I also wanted the frame to be interactive and any time I went into a different department at work I could change my location or any time someone said they liked my costume, I could change the number of likes on the frame. I couldn’t figure out a way to do it until I discovered dry erase paint! I could just write in my location, erase it when I went somewhere else, and write in a new one! Great idea. But the only problem was I found the stuff the day before Halloween and you have to let the paint cure for three days before it will work. What a bummer.

Here’s how it turned out.

A screen shot of my Instagram page instagramming the Instagram frame. Insta-ception.

I also carved a Grumpy Cat pumpkin!

 
 
 jobs
After leaving an interview in which an overweight redneck thought I was gay and told me my presence would hurt his company, I felt put off by interviews and decided to regroup and try to tolerate my current job.  And then my coworker, the one who has her own business and wanted me to work for her and has been stringing me along for two years, told me her business did a job for a man who was looking for someone to work in his office.  Not a ton of money but full-time. No benefits but also hardly any customer interaction, which I actually considered a huge benefit. She said she talked me up to this guy and said I would be perfect for it and I should go talk to him right after work. And so I did. And he told me he hadn’t decided whether or not he wanted to do full-time after all. Another dead end.

A few weeks passed by and another job opportunity came up. And who gave me the info? WG. And what’s the job? Working with WG! So I guess I can keep her nickname after all. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it as it’s still working in customer service but the pay is better and I’d get actual benefits and it’s like an actual grown up job with a 401K and a name plate.

Although I was hesitant, I took an application for the heck of it and while I was in there, the office manager went ahead and set up an interview for me, which sometimes can be the hardest part of getting a job and it was just done for me. That was cool. I handled myself well during the interview. Then I had to take an assessment test and then do an interview with the district manager. I went in to take the test and the district manager just happened to be in the office at the time so she went ahead and said I could speak with him. It caught me off guard as I wasn’t prepared to sell myself to him but I did very well and he was impressed with me. The test was the hardest part of the whole ordeal and I’m positive I flunked the math, although I think I did well on the spelling and grammar. I passed the test (HOW?) and then gave consent for them to do the background check.

Now I’m just waiting for the background stuff to clear and I pretty much have the job. I just wish I was more excited about it.

We hired approximately 10 trillion new associates at my current job, enough to get us through the holidays. I’ve been helping train them and as I was showing one of the new people how to use the register, I thought to myself, "I really know my stuff." I’m good at my job. And I’ve learned so much there. As much as I hate the job, I actually just hate working with the public. And the management sucks. But the job itself isn’t that crummy. In 3 years, I’ve been promoted to supervisor and when that position was phased out by the company, I was given lead associate in my department and then asked to be a fill-in supervisor while another one was on sick leave and just a few weeks ago, I was asked to work upstairs in the cash room. I like because…no customer interaction and it’s basically data entry and I enjoy stuff like that. But I have to be there two hours before opening to get all the money ready for the store, which isn’t so enjoyable but ehh.

I know a lot about how the store operates. And I genuinely do like a lot of the people I work with and this might sound weird but I almost feel like I’d be abandoning them if I left. We’ve all become kind of close in our hatred for the job. And we share the same resentment when someone finally escapes. But now I’m gonna be the one who escapes and I feel bad for those I’m going to leave behind. But I can assure you no one else feels this way. If they got the chance to blow out of there, they’d take it and never give me a second thought. I know because it’s happened to me time and time again.

Except for WG. Honestly, she’s been the only one who has stayed in touch with me after leaving the job.

Anyway, it’s kind of bittersweet and it’s just weird that I’m feeling this way. As I’ve said before, I hate this job but at the same time I’m used to it and it does have its perks because I have basically worked out my hours to my benefit and I’m an important figure there and people respect me and look to me for guidance and all that I’ve worked for is gonna be gone once I get to this new job and I’m at the bottom again. I don’t know if I have the energy to start over. Can I dedicate 3 more years to a new job? Of course, I’m thinking way too far ahead. A lot can happen in that time. Promotions. Transfers. A book? A bullet?

Only circumstances will tell. And they are constantly changing so I need to focus on just getting through this day and then the next and so on.

Aaand that’s about it.