apprehensive

"They’re fooling themselves. They think all this bullshit about hard work and achieving means something but it doesn’t. Universe is completely random. Particles colliding at random. Blind chance. So you didn’t make it. No big deal. It’s not your fault. Shit’s random."
-Party Down

I’m not an atheist, just apprehensive.

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve stopped praying or relying on God in any kind of way.  I used to feel guilty about it but now I don’t feel bad at all.  Nothing in my life has changed.  I’m no better or worse for it, which makes me wonder if God was ever in my life at all, or if God is anything at all.

I don’t know.  I’m not sure I care.  I do hate that I’ve slid so far down but what can I do?  I’ve tried it all with the prayer and meditation and Bible reading and patience.  Nothing helped.  Nothing ever does.

Faith is a lot like a slot machine.  You pray and pull the lever and you hope for good results but you never know if you’ll hit it big or end up empty.  It’s really all random chance. You can never be sure if the constant prayer ever pays off or if things in your life just finally line up.  You want something long enough and if you work for it, you might just get it.  It doesn’t mean God had anything to do with it.  Just to be fair, it also doesn’t mean he didn’t.  You just can’t know so why get caught up in it?

It pisses me off when people think I have given up on my faith in God just because I am not where I want to be in life.  Do people think that’s how I think it works?  I’m not new to this game.  I’m not asking for a perfect life.  It’s not about circumstances but sensations.  I have never felt that comforting presence.  I have never had a good feeling when it comes to God.  I’ve only ever felt separation, emptiness, nothingness.  I am not reassured when I pray.  When I scream for God to give me a sign, I get nothing.  I am not comforted and therefore I don’t think there’s anything out there to comfort me.  How hard is it just to say hello?  If God cares/exists, why has he not shown me?

And where’s the stable relationship with anyone in my life, cosmic or concrete, with flesh or faith?  My parents are distant, my coworkers are crass and former friends are too busy.  I can congregate and communicate but I’m no one’s number one.  There’s always been a barrier inside me like a plastic bag around my heart.. 

I just don’t feel loved.  

I wish I could believe again.  I wish I could be the good little Christian boy in my Christian bubble like so many people around here.  They are small-minded and naive and annoying.  And sometimes I think it would be easier if I could just be that way, too.  What if God gave a shit?  What if he finally had mercy on my menial life?

It’s not like he’s bullying me or anything.  It just feels like it.  But that’s conceited on my part because, really, who am I?  He has a whole big world to ignore so why would he single me out to slice and dice?  No, he’s saving that dirty work for the devil.