double d’s

"And I believe a curse holds me in her arms…"
-Dashboard Confessional, Truth of the Matter

Several weeks (months?) ago, I spoke with a fellow diarist about some of the things going on in my life and in my head.  After giving him a couple of my symptoms, he mentioned a lot of them correlated to the dreaded DIABEETUS.  He has it and knows the adverse affects of the disease. 

I never thought even thought about having it but it’s always a possibility.

You know, I walk around and do my thing and feel these crazy thoughts and wonder about the source of my psychosis.  For the longest time, I thought I was depressed.  But I never felt comfortable with that label because it feels like an "easy" diagnosis.  Someone has a bad day and they have depression.  I have bad days every day.  I don’t feel good about anything.  I float through life, my nerves pinched to numbness.  But I can also get out of bed each day and don’t feel those aches and pains associated with depression.  

Diabetes can make you feel bad, too.

So, what’s the deal?  Is it diabetes or depression that makes me feel like such a basket case?

Or what if I really do just play the victim?  Or what if things are a bit heavier?  What if there’s a third "D" swimming around my gut?  What if I really do have a demon inside?  For a while, I did wonder if I was possessed.  Holy crap.  I just want to know what’s wrong with me.

How does anyone know what’s wrong with them?  Does anyone ever get to the heart of the hurt?  Or do we flail around and fudge our way through our frustrations?  Depression is an easy answer.  Diabetes can be a catchy conclusion.  Even possession, while not as practical, is possible.

Writing has been one of the most effective ways of trying to figure myself out, to organize my thoughts and fears and lay them out in an organized manner so I can identify and try to solve my problems.  So far, all I’ve managed to do is express how I feel without getting to the heart of why I feel the way I do.  I’ve got to figure out the cause before I get to the cure.  Is it a creature or is it chemical?

How do we ever know?  How do we find out?  And how do we go about solving the strain of sugar and spirits?