vent-ricles

Feel free to skip this as it has no significance other than me ranting about retail and who really gives a crap?

Now that Christmas is over, the boss has decided who, out of the seasonal help, he wants to keep. It’s pretty much everyone. I can’t say I agree with his choices.

After Christmas, the hours are cut way back for everyone. There aren’t many hours to hand out to the usual workers and now they have to be split up and handed out and shared among the new people, too.

I’m also not too happy with the ones staying, especially in my department. They hired this pixie of a girl who talks like a squeaky mouse and breathes like she is about to hyperventilate. She’s too timid and shy to be working with the public.

Another new guy plays the race card a lot. I confused him with another new worker one day and he blurted out, "Oh, so you thought he was me because we’re both black, right?" Um, no, I confuse a lot of people with others.

And one day he and I and another coworker were talking about shows we liked and she said she loved the Tyler Perry shows and I told her I wasn’t into the shows, or Madea, for that matter. He said he didn’t like her, either, and I said, "Oh, really?"

"You’re surprised? Why? ‘Cause I’m black I’m supposed to like Madea?" Um, no, I just thought everyone loved Madea except me.

And then one day he heard me singing to one of the annoying Christmas songs and joked I should be on The Voice. He said I would probably partner up with Blake Shelton (why, because I’m white?) and then added, "I’d like to go on that show, too. I’d partner up with that Adam guy. I bet you thought I was going to say Cee Lo, didn’t you?"

He says those things in a joking manner but he’s done it too much for there not to be a hint of truth to his joking accusations and I guess he thinks I’m secretly a racist or something, although I can’t imagine why because I’ve never done anything to give him that impression. I have fought hard in my life to show no signs of prejudice toward anyone. I honestly don’t care if you are black or white or gay or straight or Christian or atheist or anything in between. People are people and everyone deserves respect. And so when this new guys blows in and starts making those kinds of digs at me, it frustrates me and now makes me feel uncomfortable around him. I’m worried I’ve got to watch what I say now ’cause he might get a stick up his ass.

And the other black guy mentioned earlier was a total douche. He was an older man who wore crushed velvet blazers and bright orange corduroy pants and red handkerchiefs in his back pocket and thought he was a fashion expert. He was also a pastor and always spoke with that deep, reverberating pastor’s voice as if he was sermoning to every customer he came across.

"Yes, sir, let me get you that three pack of men’s briefs, God almighty!  Would you like to praise Jesus with a matching set of undershirts?"

He was annoying from the moment he filled out the application. He came up to me and asked to speak to the store supervisor because he wanted the boss to put a face to his resume. The boss wasn’t there so he spoke to a department supervisor who pulled his application and then talked to him a bit. He rambled on about how he knew how to fit for a suit and knew how to tie a tie in fifteen different ways and knew about jean washes and how to coordinate colors and patterns and all of his experience working with the public and how he was a school teacher during the week and a pastor on Sundays and just went totally overboard with his qualifications like he was interviewing at Nordstrom or something. The department supervisor went ahead and made an appointment for an interview. When she left, he looked at me and said, "Now that’s how you get that done. You see, there?"

Little did he know they will hire anyone as long as they don’t have any open sores and can breathe.  He probably didn’t need to bring that affidavit or the stool samples.

And then he came in for the interview wearing a 3 piece suit, completely over the top and over-dressed compared to my boss’s sloppy polo shirt and khakis.  I was later told during the interview, he was trying to sell himself the whole time and didn’t crack any jokes or smiled, just laid out his qualifications like he was laying out silverware.

Of course, he was hired on and immediately went to work…on my nerves. First of all, because he’s a teacher, he knows everyone. He couldn’t go five minutes without yelling across the department at someone he recognized and then shook their hand like he was running for mayor and talked to them for at least 10 minutes.

Or if it was a customer he didn’t know, he introduced himself to them and got their name and proceeded to tell his life story while he fitted them for a whole new wardrobe. And that took at least half an hour each time he snagged someone.

It annoyed me because, with it being Christmas, I was busy checking out customers and didn’t need him scampering off with his catch, following them from department to department, measuring and matching and primping everyone. It was just too much. I understand he was essentially doing what he was supposed to but he came on too strong and spent too much time with each customer. With hundreds of people blowing through and making a mess, there just wasn’t time for all that bonding and butt kissing. There just wasn’t!

I’ll also admit I was jealous at the ease in which he was able to help the customers. Everyone seemed very receptive to his advances but I kept thinking if I tried that shit, I’d be shot down real quick. I can barely get anyone to return a greeting when they walk through my department. Usually when I say hello, I’m ignored or they just grunt at me and keep it moving.

But the part that pissed me off the most was the fact that he tried to tell me how to do my job on multiple occasions. "Now, Brannon, what you need to do is be more engaging with the customer. Wear the clothes here so when they ask you where you got your tie or your pants, you can tell them you got them here and then offer to sell them their very own."

Did he not realize the majority of our customers are old and ignorant?  Maybe because he was new on the scene he thought he had to sell himself or maybe he was genuinely eager to get out there and meet and greet.  I used to be like that as well but when you get enough people with cigarette and coffee breath hurling insults at you and destroying your perfectly folded tables, going out of your way to size them for a pair of socks isn’t high on the priority list. 

"See, Brannon, what you need to do is learn the basics of fashion. Learn how to match. Learn what classic style is. You see what I’m wearing? This will still be in style 10 years from now. You can have some trendy pieces but you need to invest in classics."

Classics, eh?  Did he also not realize his handkerchief was symbolic of casual sex seekers in the gay community and that the red fabric hanging out of his pocket meant he wanted a man’s hand up his eager colon?  It’s good to know fisting never goes out of style.

Naturally, all the decent new people were doled out to different departments.  Meanwhile, I’m suck with Minnie Mouse, Malcom X, and Marc Jacobs.

There’s also another lady who was hired in a different department and I think she’s proooobably dead and here’s why.  She had been acting weird her last couple of shifts, complaining her ex-husband was stalking her and meeting her at the building and threatening her.  One day, she came in hours late and then clocked out for her meal and never came back.  All the supervisors shrugged it off as job abandonment and I said, "Hold up!  You don’t want to at least try to call her and find out if she’s okay?  What if she drove her car into a ditch…or her ex-husband drove her off a cliff?"

"Yeah, you’re right," one of them said with no sensitivity in her voice at all.  They’re really a caring bunch.

"That’s a good idea," I said, "because when the cops show up do to interviews, you can at least say you made an attempt to find out what happened to her."

So, when they called her, a strange man answered claiming to be her new boyfriend.  He wouldn’t let the supervisor talk to her but spoke on her behalf and said she was physically fine.  Then, he hung up.

Sketchy, RIGHT?

My hypothesis (based on nothing but an admiration of detective/forensic shows shows) is that the man they talked to was in fact her ex-husband and he wouldn’t let her speak because he was busy sawing off her legs as he spoke to the supervisor on the phone.  I’m expecting to see something in the paper in the next couple of weeks. 

And there’s also a new guy in another department who is younger and thinner and better looking and has a better beard than I do. That’s pure jealousy.  I’ll admit it.  I can’t comment on his work ethic ’cause I’ve never worked with him but the fact that all the girls talk about how cute he is and how well he dresses is enough to make me not care for the guy. Isn’t that terrible?

It’s just that when I lost a lot of weight and everyone noticed and complimented me and gave me positive attention, I enjoyed it. And then this new skinny guy comes through and takes it away from me and it all sounds petty and immature and it is but at least I can recognize it.  I guess.

He isn’t really that friendly, either. I’ve tried to converse with him but he doesn’t seem receptive to my greetings or attempts at conversation. So, that’s gonna make things nice and awkward for me.

And all these new people have taken over my department. I’m essentially the only "old" one left and when I have to work with all the new people, I feel outcasted in my own freaking department. They all went through the hiring and training process together and looked to each other as familiar faces while acclimating themselves to their new work environment and so they already have a bond and instead of them feeling like the odd ones out, they let me fill that position.

It sucks.