Karma Chameleon
"No good deed goes unpunished."- Clare Boothe Luce
Story of my effing life.
Isn’t it weird how you can be a nice person, try to always do the right thing, use manners, give to others, etc., and still be hit by a wall of crap? Why is it that the three-fold law only applies to us when we’ve been bad? Why is it that when we extend our hands to help others, the universe slaps it away? And more importantly, if we aren’t treated as nicely as we treat others and all of our good deeds are rendered unacknowledged, why do we even bother being nice at all anymore?
I think we can all agree that goodness is subjective. What’s good to you might or might not be what’s good to me. Yet, I’m pretty sure we can all agree that killing and stealing and things of that nature are a big no no. What about premarital sex or underage drinking? In some people’s eyes, that’s sinful, illegal and morally wrong. Other people would argue that it’s okay as long as no one gets hurt. As for me, I’ve always tried to take the “best possible behavior” path. I never drank or smoked when I was underage. Heck, I still don’t do any of that now that I’m legal. Personally, I don’t want to engage in those particular activities because they could lead to trouble and I’m all about staying out of trouble. And that’s a good thing. No drugs, no sex, no stealing, no disobeying parents, no bad grades, no swearing. And once again, that’s subjective. Most people don’t see those as too terrible but for me, those behaviors themselves might not be so bad but they might lead to something wicked. So, I avoid them. That might make me vanilla but it makes me pretty safe. I’m straight-laced and satisfied.
Yet my life is still in the crapper. Where is the good stuff I believed to be waiting for me for being a good person?
Yes, I understand that life doesn’t work that way. This became crystal clear when I read a quote somewhere that stated “To expect life to treat you fairly because you’re a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge at you because you’re a vegetarian.” It really clicked for me right then and there when I read that statement. I guess I never really realized that before. So, why is that I believed that in the first place?
I suppose it’s because we have all been conditioned in some way or another to believe that if we are good people, good things will happen to us. We’ve always been told if we are good little boys and girls that we’ll go to heaven, that Santa will bring us a lot of really awesome presents, that we can go out for ice cream after dinner. Good behavior=Good life. Darn, we’ve been lied to.
And it’s not like I’ve been a good boy to get good things or to be rewarded in some way. I’ve always genuinely liked being good, liked helping people. I used to genuinely care about people. It used to swell my heart to help. I always thought of being compensated for my compassion as a bonus. Sure, it would be nice if I were given as much as I gave but my main focus was other people’s happiness. Unfortunately, over the years, I never really saw that same treatment returned to me. As much as I asked about my friends, they never bothered to ask about me. As much as I gave my time and energy to others, I never saw them return the favor. And while I spent my years focusing on the well-being of others, I ignored my own physical and mental health. My head became overheated and my heart hampered. And slowly, everything around me began to crumble.
Cut to me realizing just about all of my friendships were shams and the few genuine relationships I thought I had were slipping away. My dream school turned out to be a nightmare and I lost control of my weight. I graduated but my diploma doesn’t mean a thing because I can’t get a good job. I’m in debt up to my receding hairline and I’m scared to death I’ll never be able to pay off my loans. I was forced to move back home with one parent who is too controlling and another who is too apathetic. I was forced to take a crap minimum wage job that I already hate after only a week. I’m fatter than I’ve been in four years. I have this lump in my throat that still hasn’t gone away as promised by my doctor. And overall, I’m sad that I’ve never been able to have a healthy, long lasting friendship with anyone and I’ve never been romantically involved with a girl. I feel insurmountably lonely and on top of it all, I honestly believe I’m losing my mind. This is just not how my life was supposed to turn out.
To make matters even more intolerable, several of my former friends have turned into alcoholic sex fiends since high school graduation and they are doing just fine. One friend is, in my useless opinion, a straight up alcoholic and a sex addict but despite that, he’s got a great job and he’s even moving to New York next year to pursue whatever it is he’s trying to pursue. He uses people to get what he wants (including me) and he’s unprecedentedly shallow. And he does drugs on the regular. He likes to steal as well. Another former friend turned into a giant ho after high school and has cheated on her boyfriend of two years multiple times. She also likes to partake in the Patrón and have sex with random guys. And she’s living it up. She went on vacation to California this summer while I was having shoddy dental work done. They’ve both been in long-term relationships in the past, experienced real love and they both seem like they are living the good life of indulgence.
And how can I talk about bad people without mentioning my lovely former roommate, Keith? He was an epic douche bag but he had his stuff together. At first he had a girlfriend when I lived with him but after they broke up, he brought girl after girl to our dorm so despite his rudeness toward me, he had game when it came to the ladies. He often brought his friends over to play Guitar Hero. Strangely, I liked most of his friends. They seemed like interesting people and I always wondered why they liked him when he was so mean spirited. And I remembered how I never had any good freinds despite being sweet as pie. He was also a musician, which I highly respected. He had his own band and they actually had a few CDs. He worked in a recording studio back at his home and he just basically seemed like he had himself and his life figured out. Sure, he was a giant dick but he knew it and he owned it and he’s never looked back. I’m sure wherever he is, he’s doing well and probably writing a hate song about me, if he hasn’t already done so. He’s just another example of someone who can be so cruel toothers, so selfish and vain and still be doing well, still be happy. Of course, I know there is probably some pain behind their closed doors and it would be foolish of me to think that they aren’t getting their own dose of bad karma coming their way but even still, they are having some fun. They’ve experienced a lot of highs (and not just because they got high) to go along with their lows. But not me. It’s always been one low after another. I sit here, fatter and more miserable than ever and I’m not having any fun, unhealthy or otherwise. And I’m angry and confused because it’s not fair and I know that being nice doesn’t give you a one way ticket to Happy Village but it should, shouldn’t it? Doesn’t it seem unfair that in this world of cruelty and killing that someone chooses to spread goodness instead of garbage and yet they keep getting kicked to the floor while those that enforce evil are enjoying their excesses?
It’s not like I sit and wait for good things to happen to me. I do actively seek them. I went to my college of choice to be happy. It took jumping through a lot of hoops and hurdles to get there but I did and I was determined to start my life over and find my happiness. But it seemed like the universe was determined to keep it from me and everything went wrong. I actively tried to make friends and they either fizzled out quickly or panned out over time. I actively tried to find a good job but no one called me back and I was forced to work this minimum wage fiasco and be surrounded by a bunch of thirty-something rednecks for eight hours a day. I actively tried to make myself look better by losing weight and trying to learn about fashion and grooming and then this lump appears and makes me feel like a freak. It doesn’t matter what I do, what I say, how I approach something, how positive I try to be, no matter how hard I try to make things work, it all turns to crap. My nose is sore, not only from the surgery I had this summer, but from door after door of opportunity slamming in my face.
It’s pretty sad how I’ve deteriorated over the years. Even before my untimely death caused my skin to split and shrivel, I’ve been emotionally decaying. It’s hard to stay happy and positive when that positivity is consistently burned out by God or the universe or random chance. It makes me want to give up on trying, to give up on helping others when no one has bothered to help me. I’ve become a mess because I’ve ignored my own needs and desires to tend to others and it makes me want to shift the focus back on to me. It seems like the people I know have put themselves first, carved out their own happiness and enjoyed a lot of lewd gratification in the process. And I think, if they can do it, why shouldn’t I? Maybe I should just be selfish and not care about others, not worry about their needs or sensitivities. Maybe I should speak my mind and tell people just what I really think of them. It would be nice to get that load off of my chest instead of balling it up and burying it.
It’s quite sad, really, how much I’ve changed. I wasn’t always like this, so intensely bitter, so irrevocably sad and so uncontrollably lost. Even when I was that depressed little outcast in high school, I still had hope. I always looked to the future, looked to college to cause a change. I always looked to others to help me help myself. I even looked inward and hoped that one day I would get myself figured out, that I would work toward peace. Life has let me down. Other people have let me down. And, of course, I can’t point the finger at everyone and everything else without blaming myself as well. I’ve definitely let myself down. It’s me against the world against myself and at times, it feels like those are insurmountable odds.
Showbread- The Pig (Anorexia Version)
"Why does it seem that all is slipping further from me?
I build and build and reaching up my arms can not reach anything
Give me something, anything
Why is it bleak and barren
Don’t I deserve the world after building building building?
You dangle happiness before me yet keep it out of reach
My well is dry and still I try to fill it up I seek and seek and seek
Nothing lasts except the empty swallowing my soul
But I will rise above this world and I will fill my holes"