Prophetic Poetry

"Do you think, maybe some day soon, we could start dating again?"

This question caught me way off guard.  Dating?  Kayla Manasco?  The only girl who made my teenage heart flutter?  The one who was taken away from me?  The one who got married and had a child with another man?  The one who I had given up all hope of ever reconnecting with and now she wants to date me again?  This was a lot to take in.

If you’re a long time reader, you’ll know that Kayla was my only potential love interest that I met all the way back in high school (because yes, I am a loser).  She moved to my town, a mutual friend hooked us up, I liked her, she liked me, then she moved away again.  A year or two later, we reunited at her place.  I spent the weekend with her and it was pretty awesome.  I never saw her again but we did keep in touch via Myspace and MSN and such.  Turns out, she had kind of turned skanky.  She got together with this army guy and actually ran away from home, sneaking out of her house in the middle of the night and hopping a train to Texas to be with him.  Naturally, this put her in a lot of hot water.  Oh yeah, and he also sorta sperminated her.  They got married shortly before their baby was born.  This was not the girl I knew in high school.

Although I was happy to hear that she seemed to be happy, with the man of her dreams and a wonderful baby girl, it sort of brought back memories of us, of that weekend, and I was a little sad.  And of course, my mind began to wander, thinking of all the difference scenarios that could have played out had she not moved away.  Maybe we would have actually been girlfriend and boyfriend.  Maybe we’d still be together now.  Maybe we would have broken up in two months.  Maybe we’d be married.  Maybe I’d be a dad by now.  Maybe I’d be full of love or completely heartbroken.  I suppose the possibilities are endless but the only sure thing is what actually happened and that’s really all that matters.  There’s no sense in hurting myself by thinking of how great things might have been.  It just wasn’t meant to be between us.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve long since moved on.  It’s not like I still pine for her, not like I am even remotely interested.  I just think that sometimes we work with what we are given and anytime I’m feeling nostalgic about love, when I let my mind go to that place where romantic fantasies are produced and stored, she’s the only face that comes to mind because she’s the only face my heart has ever known.  But this is rarely the case, as I don’t fantasize about love much anymore.  Well, mostly.

I did write a poem about her a while ago, which you can read here.  It was just one of those days where I was feeling lonely and this line popped into my head.  I worked with it and turned it into "What if She Were Our Daughter."  It was my way of working out my feelings, simultaneously revisiting a memory while exploring the possibility of us still being together, of possibly having a family.  It was just something I wanted to capture in a poem.  Nothing too serious and nothing more, really.  

And then I talked to her several weeks later.  And that’s when she told me things weren’t working with her husband and they were getting divorced.  I was a bit surprised, especially because early in their relationship she seemed head over heels in love with him.  But, the past few times we had spoken I did get the feeling that things weren’t as grand as they once were.  And now, during our most recent conversation, she’s getting divorced.  And that’s when she asked about dating me again.

Seems like my poem was coming to fruition.  All of those possibilities that I thought were long closed off seemed to be opening up again.  Everything that I thought about, every possibility was now open to be explored.  But I didn’t want to anymore.  As the rush of opportunity flooded over me, I quickly pushed it away.

There are many reasons why I didn’t want to pursue anything with Kayla.  There’s the distance, the fact that she has a lot of baggage getting/being divorced and having a child, the fact that she’s not the same girl I once knew, and my new found distaste for love.  But wait, here is my chance to start something anew that was left unfinished so long ago.  The only girl that I ever liked that liked me back is back in my life and I have the chance to reconnect.  This is what I’ve been wanting for so long, so how could I dismiss it so easily? 

The fact of the matter is I got over her a long time ago.  The fact of the matter is that I don’t know if I was ever truly interested in her at all.  I never mentioned this before because I always wanted our story to be unblemished but frankly, I didn’t even like her as a person at first.  I thought she was kind of annoying.  Only over the course of a week did I come to develop romantic feelings for her.  Or did I?  I have to keep in mind that when I was in high school, everything was about love.  I was wanting to find love, to have love find me, to be in a relationship just like my peers.  I was lovesick and lonely and here this girl materializes out of nowhere just for me.  What a beautiful opportunity to have all of my dreams come true.  Maybe I convinced myself I liked her more than I actually did just because she was the only one around who liked me.  Maybe I was more into the idea of her liking me than actually liking her.  I wanted some kind of connection so bad that I might have crafted my feelings for her just to see my dreams come alive.  

And it’s one of those times when I have to push aside fantasy for logic.  It’s one of those times when I can’t think with my heart, but with my head and realize what’s best for me.  Sure, I could have said yes to her and I might have a girlfriend now, something I’ve always wanted, but I knew that just wouldn’t be good for me.  It would be a temporary fix.  It would be an empty kind of success.  I have no feelings for her and I wonder if I ever really did and therefore I can’t date her.  It’s not fair to either one of us.

I also find it curious that she wanted to get back together with me after so long.  I mean, this was high school people.  I’m sure she was involved with other guys after me and before her marriage.  Why didn’t she go back to them?  Maybe she did or maybe her heart led her straight to me.  But was it her heart or was it comfort she was craving?  You also have to remember that we didn’t even know each other that well or that long when everything went down.  Maybe she just remembers the good parts of me because she didn’t have time to see the bad.  Maybe she’s remembering an ideal of me like I remembered an ideal of her.  That’s where things get messy.  Pursuing ideals leads todisillusion.  Maybe she was rebounding and remembered how good it felt to be with me, how she only saw the positive, how she remembered that safe, innocent puppy dog romance that she hadn’t had since that night with us in her bedroom.

I wanted to let her down, but gently.  I told her I thought it would be best if we were just friends.  That’s when she got kind of quiet and I think I might have hurt her feelings.  I mean, rejection is never fun so I can understand but it made me feel bad.  It’s a no win situation.  I can either accept her offer and we can have a crappy long distance relationship or I can reject her now and make her feel bad.  Either way I guess I was going to break her heart, it was just a matter of how long it would take.  I decided it was best to do it now before anything got too deep.  I haven’t heard from her since.

Having this conversation with Kayla really opened my eyes to our relationship.  And I realize it really wasn’t much of one at all.  We didn’t know each other very well.  I think I liked the idea of loving her rather than actually loving her.  I think because she is all I’ve ever known of any kind of physical romance, I’ve built it up in my head to be so much more than it really was.  It was anything but perfect.  It was anything but real.  It was the passing of two people that I turned into a tragic tale of star-crossed lovers.  She was all I had and so I held on to her but now I see that I was holding on to nothing at all, only a projection, a ghost of a love that I had created and kept alive through false memories and idealistic perceptions.  I think it’s time for me to put it to rest now.

And strangely enough, I’m okay with doing so.

"Get over me
I don’t believe in love
and I won’t ever again
Just walk away
Everyone in love knows
you deserve better than me"
-Fefe Dobson, Scar