Pants Projecting Presence

I can’t fit into my pants and consequently I don’t feel like I can fit into life.  How can I be expected to do my work and make friends and be sociable when I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes and in my skin?  I’m so tired of my weight getting in the way of me living.  How can I be so consumed with being fat and yet I don’t actually do anything about it?  I sit here and I complain about being a tubby and then go bust open a bag of chips and eat the entire contents.  And I suppose the reason why I do that is because being fat makes me feel like crap and eating makes me feel better.  Unfortunately, eating makes me fatter which makes me feel crappier which makes me reach for the Ravioli.  It starts anew.

I just wish I could get a grip on myself.  If only I could just finally get it figured out, finally get my mind in the right place, things would fall into place.  I need to stop using excuses.  I always say I have too much on my mind to get into shape.  I don’t have the time.  It’s not true because during winter break, I had all the time in the world to get myself together.  And what did I do instead?  Ate.  Slept in.  Sat around.  Rinse and repeat.

Is it really as easy as waking up one morning and saying you’re going to change?  I thought it was at one time.  In fact, during my first bout of serious weight loss, I did just that.  I woke up and said I was sick of living how I was living and being as fat as I was.  And so I stopped eating junk.  I stopped eating so much.  And I lost weight.  But that determination has deteriorated over time.  It takes a definite mind adjustment and insane amounts of willpower and discipline.  I have none of that.

I just can’t believe after all of these years, after all that I know, I am still in this situation.  I am still fat, still hungry, still angry, still eating my feelings.  When am I ever going to get this under control?  I suspect I probably never will.  It always seems like when I get a handle on things, I screw it up and let everything spiral out of control again.  And once again, it’s a circle of crap that I put myself in.  I can’t get out ‘cause I constantly close myself in. 

I’m frustrated and that makes me automatically turn to food for comfort but I can’t anymore because I’m taking Alli again.  Comfort now means crapping later.  The fact that I’m frustrated and want to eat but can’t eat makes me even more frustrated.  I can’t find relief.  I am in pain, hurting, sad and angry and I can’t have the one thing that I know will fix it.  I truly believe I have a food addiction.  It’s just not healthy to be this attached and dependent on food to improve my mood.  It’s not about being hungry.  It’s about an emotional starvation.  I am so messed up in the head and sometimes I just can’t stand anyone, especially myself, and I’m always worried that no one can stand me and there is no one to help.  No one who wants to help, no one around to try to understand.

Everyone around me can eat whatever they want.  I can’t.  Every morsel is a calorie counted, every fat gram inspected, every mouthful regretted.  Food is not just necessary for my physical survival but for my emotional survival as well.  Without food to comfort me, I would have probably went crazy(er) or offed myself.  Food has been my savior because no one else bothered to. 

So, with food being so important to me, how is it that I can cut it out of my life?  How can I abandon the one thing in my life that never abandoned me?