Things

Things between C and I are helpless.  I had a dream about him last night. In the dream he cared about me and at one point held me.  When I woke up, I woke up angry at the thoughts.  Angry because my mind was simply playing tricks on myself.  So stupid of me to dream such a foolish thing.  Pathetic.

I am still waiting for my enhanced driver’s license.  When I get it I am heading to visit a friend that can take my mind off of all this.  He is going to show me how to use my camera (the correct way instead of just on automatic).  We will explore Canada with our cameras.  I look forward to it.  It’s been a long awaited trip.  I hope I can get someone to watch Lily.  I know C will take her for at least the weekend.  But, I need at least 5 days.  I just want to get away from everything and focus on me for awhile.  It’s been over 5 years since I could just take time for myself. 

As time passes I wonder where all this is going to end up.  I have to find some time to talk with C first.  Maybe this Monday we can.  I don’t know.  It needs to happen so that I can have a little closure.  It’s important. With out it, it’s hard to move on.

And as a side note, I have pretty much forgiven C for everything.  He in reality did nothing wrong, except lead me on and keep thigns from me.  However, we were never together so he was free to do whatever he wanted.  I just wish he knew how it felt to be in love with someone that doesn’t love him back.  Maybe if he could feel that he’d truly understand was an asshole he was. 

I sometimes wish I could hate him.  But I can’t.  I really don’t feel hate for anyone.  I do in fact let everything go… on the surface.

It’s real deep down that it sometimes resurfaces.

Her