First Visit Since Split

C came over today so he could pick Lily up from school.  They hung out and played for awhile.  As long as she loves him, that’s all that matters now.  Today I hate him.

He spoke not one word about anything concerning "us."  That’s because there isn’t an "us."  However, it’s also because he’s a coward.  He comes all this way to spend time with Lily and can’t even look me in the eyes and say he’s sorry, or that he wishes it could have been different, or that he’s sorry that he doesn’t feel more for me.  You know, anything that suggests that he’s thought about any of this at all.  Instead, I get nothing emotionally.  I should be used to that.  But I am not, and do you know why?  Because he used to show it. He used to read poetry to me in bed.  And he used to open doors for me.  He used to call me Sunshine.  He used to tell me all the things I wanted to hear.  Now I get nothing.  And why?  Not sure.  All I did was give him a daughter and my love.  I guess that wasn’t enough.  Asshole.

The longer this goes on, the more I hate him.  I hope it never gets to the point that I can’t look at him.  However, it’s heading that way.  I told my mom about all this and she is getting upset too.  My father’s heart broke a little when he found out. 

Today when C was over I wanted to talk to him about this but didn’t for a few reasons.  The number one reason is because he didn’t bring it up.  The second was because I was so tired.  I only slept 4 and a half hours and had to get up because I knew he was coming.  I just wanted to sleep but couldn’t because he and Lily were there and I knew he was leaving soon.  There really wasn’t time or strength.  One of these days I will probably just let him have it.  But, maybe not.  Who knows.

In a way I am kind of glad that I hate him.  It makes healing faster.  At least I think it does.  Can’t really tell if I am healing or just becoming numb.  It’s hard to tell the difference anymore.

Her