I Love Him

It’s funny. Not funny, "ha ha" but funny as in curious. He claims he’s got these deep ceded issues, and perhaps he does. Yet, I am the one that freaks out inside somewhat regularly. He seems to have this impeccable way of keeping himself in complete control at all the times while I am the one that can’t keep it together. I love his deep ceded issues.
He has a hard time coming forward and expressing himself. However, when he does he can articulate his feelings quite fluently. I on the other hand, can’t help but have my words, thoughts, and expressions come from many different angles all at one time. I love the way he expresses himself.
He is extremely well educated and informed. Then there’s me. Although not a college drop out any longer (thanks mostly to him) I am far from winning any spelling contests or games of trivial pursuit. He’s bilingual, and I can almost use the one language I know. When he speaks Arabic I can often be found melting into a puddle onto the floor. I love his mind.
He’s attractive. However, it wasn’t until recently that I saw him in a new light. The moment I saw him walking across the runway from his plane I actually had a moment that I felt weak in the knees. I couldn’t stop staring at him. It was almost like I was seeing him for the first time and yet I’ve known him for 8 years. As for me, my looks are plain at best. However, when I am thinner I can actually be somewhat pretty. But, not nearly beautiful enough for him. I love his appeal.
Although we seem so different in this entry, we are not. Even he doesn’t see how much we are alike. It’s kind of like, we like the same things, but for different reasons. For instance, if we were to love rainbows, he’d love them for their beautiful colors and I’d love them because they are symbol of peace after a storm. I love that about US.
I don’t want to stop loving him, ever. I just can’t accept the fact that maybe, just maybe he loves me too. And I try so hard to push myself away from him. I try to protect myself from the hurt he’s going to cause when I see him with another woman, or when he tells me he’s leaving. I saw a pair of earrings in his house the other day and I felt a piece of me die. But, we aren’t a couple. He’s allowed to do what (who) he wants. He’s got the best of both worlds with me. I know this. That is another reason I push him away. I know I deserve someone that loves me and only me. But, that hasn’t happened in the last 12+ years, why would it happen now?
The man makes me cry. I just want to hold onto him and shake him. I just want him to grab me and tell me that it’s going to be ok and tell me there is no need to worry. I want him to worry about losing me instead of me always worrying about losing him. And then I want him to hold me again and again. I want him to give me a reason to stop crying.

Her