The Beginning of the End
To say that I have given up isn’t completely true. Instead, let’s just say I officially have stopped trying. It’s not worth it anymore. It’s just too hard.
I don’t know why I feel it’s finally time to stop hoping with C. It just is. I am a beautiful person on the inside and if that isn’t enough for someone, then I guess I shall die alone.
Everything seems so final now. I am 38. Never married, and I have just one child. I wanted more than anything to be able to give her another brother or sister, but it’s just not going to happen. I refuse to give her a sibling from another man. I also refuse to start looking for another man. C was the last one. I have fallen in love enough. I will not, and can not do it again.
C told me he would go to the wedding that his daughter was the flower girl for and the reception. Although he made it to the wedding, he told me (in the church) that he had to go and wouldn’t be able to attend the reception. For this reason, I give up on him. I can not and will not be part of him breaking promises to his daughter. Luckily, this time she didn’t seem to be hurt. Perhaps she hides it well, or perhaps she’s used to seeing her dad go, or maybe she really just didn’t care. I don’t know the real reason.
I am pretty angry with myself. I shouldn’t have let my emotions get the best of me. I shouldn’t have let myself fall in love with him. I should have been more careful than that. Yet, doing those things isn’t a fault. Trusting and believing and loving someone are beautiful things. They show that a person is humane. They show that a person is brave enough to bare their self. Yet, falling for him feels so much like I did something foolish.
So now I must start the process of falling out of love with him. Unfortunately the only way for me to do that is to hate him. Or perhaps not hate him, but just not like him very much. Fortunately (?) that has already started. Walking away is always hard. But this is going to be nearly impossible since I will still have to see him and have to pretend like I like him in front of Lily.
I will no longer stay the night with him. I will no longer invite him to things like weddings, weekends with my family at the cottage, or carnivals with the three of us. I. Just. Can’t.
So help me God, if I ever have to see him with another woman I just may need to be sedated. I am so not ready for that. As I am sure, neither is our daughter.
Her
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PS. I sent him a text finally. He texted me a few times in which I wasn’t able to reply. Not because I wasn’t physically unable, but because I was mentally unable. I sent the text finally at 1am hoping he’d be sleeping. I either woke him up or he was awake because he replied. And now I am at work crying my eyes out. I’ll update later.