What I Should Have Said to You, 2008

Every year I go back through my experiences and jot down anonymous letters to people I love, people I hate and people I should have told off but couldn’t think of a cool retort in time. This is where I put them.

Are YOU proud of yourself? Yeah, you got away with it this time you fat, hypocritical, misogynistic coward. But you’ll slip again and then I hope you burn for it.

I hope YOU wind up alone with your freakishly pointless lies and outrageous stories, or at least get caught by someone who is immune to your cup size, your fluttery eyelashes or whatever it is you’re using to blind everyone else with. And I will laugh as they stick you in the back of the patrol car!

I knew YOU wanted me; what you didn’t know is it was mutual and I’d have done ya if you’d asked. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

Dude. YOU so missed the boat on that one. Next time a woman you want gives you her phone number, try to use it while A) it’s fresh and B) you’re not drunk.

That was a bitch move and YOU know it. I realize you don’t owe me anything, but I don’t think a little common courtesy is too much to ask. Then again, I’m just the girl you’re fucking, so what do I know?

YOU begged me to stay in touch, sweet-talked me into entertaining you, swore we’d always be friends, then when push comes to shove, you disappear. Not even a hello or good-bye. Well you know what? I don’t need friends like that. You’re fired.

YOU are ever-faithful, even when I don’t call or when we disagree or when I act like a retarded fruitcake. Maybe it’s our 20-year history, maybe it’s just you, but either way I can never thank you enough.

I’m so worried for YOU. I know you’re being strong but I know you’re scared and that scares me. I’m glad you have someone to take care of you, but I still wish I could make it go away. Can we rewind and see if we can avoid this?

YOU are like the little sister I never had. Even when you shock me, exasperate me or make me want to go tell Mom on you, I still love you more than I ever would have thought possible. We’re in it for life, sister.

I love that YOU and I continue to be great friends after all we’ve been through. I love that we can disagree and still be close. And I love that we’ve learned to communicate better. You’ve taught me a lot about friendship.

My heart breaks for YOU over and over and still I know it’s nothing compared to the shattered remnants of your own heart. You should never have had to endure this and I would give anything – ANYTHING – to make it turn out differently.

YOU can judge me all you want, but I’m finally over caring what you think. I know you’re just deluded, but I also know you need those delusions in order to feel good about yourself so no hard feelings. Just remember I’m better than you, k?

YOU are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happeeeeeee…every time you call me buttercup! You always, always brighten my day with your unflagging optimism and phenomenal sense of humor. I heart you!

I know things are just shit for YOU right now and I hate that nothing has helped. I hope you figure out what’s ailing you and fix it in time to really enjoy the life you have before you. You’re an awesome person, you just don’t know it. Yet.

I only sat through YOUR narrow-minded, ass-backwards, judgy little uber-conservative commentary because I thought you were going to make me feel better. I want my money, my time, and all fourteen of those brain cells back, plzkthx.

I can’t wait until YOU see how beautiful you are, and that’s not me blowing smoke up your ass. I’ve always thought you were gorgeous just as you are. Someday you’ll see it too, then…watch out world!

YOU are a nut and you just get nuttier every day. Thank god I have one person I can be completely retarded with and not feel the least bit of shame. The other stuff doesn’t even matter (except when I have to use your bathroom).

YOU are always there for me, standing so quietly in the background that sometimes I think I overlook you, and you deserve far better than that. You have always been a great friend and you’ll never know how grateful I am for your unfailing love and acceptance.

YOU had best be watching your back, you sneaky, manipulative, conniving little snake. I will find out your game and when I do, I will beat you so hard at it you’ll be picking your teeth out of your shoes. I’m watching you.

I love YOU already and I don’t even know your name yet. Be a good boy or girl and grow strong and healthy, ok? And if it’s not too much trouble, could you possibly put off your arrival until the 19th? That’d be fabulous!

It’s obvious YOU don’t care enough to call and give me a heads up, so why should you care if I’m mad? As if “don’t be mad” tacked onto the end of a lousy apology makes a difference. You’re not even important enough to be on this list. Fuck you.

I have to believe in YOU because the alternative is too unbearable to contemplate. What would be the point of all this without you?

Because I post here, I don’t really have anything to post here. I might try someday anyway. . I don’t accept notes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t comment.