03/04/2010

You know, i thought i was special. But now I realize that I am no more special than anybody else…except maybe for the fact that I actually had the audacity to believe that. I go through the same shit that people go through everyday, and I think i’m different. Why should anyone care anyway?

I’m sorry, I just don’t know how to feel right now.

I’ve been being relatively happy lately…i mean, not extremely, but pretty good considering how I was for months.

I’m lonely…./: Maybe that’s the problem, I don’t know.

Today when I got home my mom flipped out at me, but i’m really surprised at how I acted…i never yelled or lost my temper or got mad or anything…i did say 2 hurtfulish things, but she told me to get the fuck out of her house and never come back and that she despises me and a bunch of other stuff, so I think i did good.

She threw all of my clean clothes onto the ground. -_-

Then I had to go pick them all up and fold them and hang them up and they had dirt on them, and that includes underwear…and now  I have to wear it because she is refusing to wash them again. /: What the heck? :l

And the fact that she flipped out over nothing is what really makes me…idk, not angry, but annoyed. When I got home I had had a really long day because everybody except the people with college classes got out early…so my sister got home at like 1:30 and I didn’t get home until 4 something, so i decided i wanted to watch tv and i found a movie i had been wanting to see. I was watching it and my mom is like…go clean your room, i’m like…Fine. And I go clean my room…then she’s like, go wash the dishes, go fold the clothes, etc…and she’s not telling my sister to do stuff…and i’m like, umm..what about her…>_>…and she’s like, she is still cleaning her room, which she wasn’t, she was back on the computer. /: And i’m like, i’ve worked all day, i’m tired and i really want to watch this movie….she’s like, DO WHAT IM ASKING, YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING…then i said the first hurtful thing i said, which was…you haven’t done anything all day…

Which, in my defense was true, because she has done nothing but play my dad’s laptop since we got a wireless router so i could use mine…for SCHOOLWORK…honestly, i don’t play that many games on it…i haven’t played runescape in almost a week. -_-

Anyway…so she gets all pissy cuz i’m still sitting on the couch and watching the movie…so she goes into the bathroom and gets the stacks of my clean clothes and throws them onto the floor in front of me…and i’m like…>_>…*does nothing to react* and she then yells at me to pick them up…so i pick them up and put them on the couch beside me…and shes like…NOW GO PUT THEM UP…i’m watching the movie and have no reaction to that either…she keeps saying it and i’m like, i didn’t put them there. /:

Then she sees my dad pull into the driveway because he’s home from work and she takes my clothes that i had put on the couch and goes and throws them into the yard. -_-…and it snowed 2 days ago but it melted today and ..so it was semi-muddy..and then my dad yells at me, for absolutely nothing. :/ And they both come onto the porch where i am now sitting looking at my clothes on the ground…and they tell me to pick them up. I sit there staring out at them refusing to do so…not because I ENJOY being defiant, but its the point that my mom did that for no good reason and they were dirty and she is ALLOWED to get mad and its okay, but i can’t so much as raise my voice without getting in trouble.

So…i pick them up off the ground and put them on the porch beside me. I’m refusing to fold them because they are dirty and i am not going to wear them again…so my dad starts to fold them and that pisses me off XD So i do it. -_- and my mom starts yelling at me for how its my fault and i’m not responding and she keeps going and then i just look at her and calmly say why are you making a big deal out of this? i’m not responding and you are still yelling. x-x….she looks at me and tell me that she hates me.

Then i take my clothes and throw them into my floor in my room…and i start doing spanish homework…and my mom comes in and yanks my laptop out of my hands and i don’t argue against it, i didn’t raise my voice once during the whole entire thing and both of my parents yell at me again and say i’ll get it back after i do what i’m told.

So i put the clothes away, even though they are semi-dirty. -_-

Then i go and get my laptop back from off the top of the fridge.

*sigh* i don’t see what the heck is wrong with them…i didn’t do anything wrong this time…and i do all of my schoolwork and i clean my room and i am making all A’s which is almost impossible in some of these stupid classes and they still don’t like me…

i feel like no one likes me, i know…poor me (sarcasm)..but seriously, i don’t feel liked by anyone. I know people like parts of me, like when i’m in a good/happy  mood, but no one likes me when i’m sad or crying…no one is there to hug me….i don’t know v.v

I feel really weird, kind of numb…maybe i didn’t react because i don’t care anymore.

I cried though, i cried a lot…when i took a shower…i cried because i want to be happy and i don’t have a sufficient reason to not be, but i don’t have a sufficient reason to be either…i don’t know..sorry for this stupid entry. /:

-love kara-