bow to string

Vacations screw with your internal clock. I keep forgetting what day of the week it is in relation to my schedule (ie, dr appointments, paychecks, bills due). Like I totally didn’t realize I get paid this coming Friday, I kept thinking I had to wait another 2 weeks for some reason.

I guess, again, a bullet entry because I have a lot of topics to catch you guys up on.

Luke is moved out. He and 2 of his friends (an engaged couple) got an apartment. He still has a few things to grab that he will be getting today under the supervision of my family while I’m at work. My family hates him. To some extent I can understand them not liking him but I just can’t grasp why they dislike him so immensely. It just doesn’t make sense to me. But then people being that way never has. Now that Luke has moved out I don’t know what’s going to happen to our relationship. We’ve talked about dating again, we’ve left it an option on the table, we’ve even sat down and discussed the personality issues that have to be fixed for us to be successful as a couple (his ego, my anxiety). But right now I just don’t feel like he cares about putting forth the effort. Then again he’s also so ego-driven that right now I think he’s pretty much obsessed with himself anyway. He still acts like he cares but the long gaps between interactions, the lack of genuine interaction (lately it’s mostly been about him wanting something or trying to coordinate him getting his stuff), the lack of trying on his part…I just don’t think he cares anymore. If he ever cared.
We’ve been having sex again lately, because frankly sex with him is great and I like me some loving. I think that’s going to have to stop. When I thought there was still a chance for us, when I thought he did still care about me, I could do it. But with the way he’s been lately I just don’t think there is any more chance and that he doesn’t care about me anymore. So I need to let him go completely. I can’t keep touching him, knowing that I’m not touching more than his skin anymore. When I touched him and I was touching his heart still, it meant something, it soothed something in me. But if you care about someone you want to be with them, you want to spend time with them. He hasn’t expressed much interest in spending time with me lately. I think his heart has gone beyond where I can reach. I made that leap for him once already and he didn’t catch me after all. There is no point in leaping again I think. So I’ll give it a little more time (let the move finish and settle) and see if things get better. If not, that’ll be the end. I’ll have to let go. Because eventually it’ll happen like it always does. He’ll move on while I’m still standing there holding my hand out like a fool. I’d like to avoid that heartache if I can.
My grandfather is doing okay, I guess. He’s out of the hospital again. His arms are still swollen and discolored, his mind is still foggy. They are taking him to a doctor on Monday who is a geriatric specialist. He’s seeing an allergist and another doctor. It’s like an episode of House. But at least his kidneys are functioning again so that’s good. They’ve taken him off of his blood pressure medicine now though. My family keeps talking about how they just need to find the right doctor and everything will be fine. I’d like to believe that’s the case but I’m not that naive. They have to find the right doctor which will take time and then make the necessary changes to his diet, lifestyle, medicine, everything. Who knows if it will even work much less if they can get it all lined up in fast enough to do any good.
I’m going to start seeing a therapist. I have an appointment with my PCP tomorrow afternoon. I’m going to tell her about the anxiety medication, see if she has any recommendations about a psychiatrist maybe. Of course it will have to be one that takes my insurance so we’ll see.
My phone went swimming in the ocean before I did so I had to replace it. I still need to do the mail-in rebate which I will do today I think. But other than that my vacation was fun. Having to replace my phone kind of killed my budget of course so I didn’t get to go to the aquarium or anything super fun like I had planned so I ended up coming home a day early. But that ended up being good too because it gave me a chance to clean house and relax before going back to work yesterday.
Twin 2 is moving to Boston at the end of August. She got into college there. If it weren’t for my grandfather’s health I might be going with her. But since he’s in and out of the hospital so much lately I want to stay close by. I suspect in 6 months to a year though (barring some serious life changing events) I might be joining her in Boston. I haven’t decided yet one way or the other. So I’m poking around at the idea at least, I just haven’t made any definite plans because of where things stand right now with everything else in my life.

Um, I think that’s everything. It’s hard to remember everything that’s going on lately. I guess if I remember something I’ll write later.