falling to pieces

My grandfather is dying.  The person in the world who means the most to me is on the path to the end and we all know it.  Only 2 of us have admitted it.  Me and my aunt.  We talked about it last night.  It’s the beginning of the end for him.  He’s dying.  I can’t deal with that yet so we’ll move on.

I’m living with a stranger.  A stranger who barely speaks to me, won’t look at me.  A stranger who once upon a time said that he loved me, that I made his world full of light, that I made his world seem beautiful again.  And that stranger has the face of the man that I love so much.  It’s killing me.

I didn’t go to work today because I woke up this morning still puking my guts up.  Then if I’m upright and walking around for more than 5 minutes I end up collapsing for about an hour exhausted.  So I’m trying to eat saltines and drink gingerale (I hate gingerale by the way, despise the stuff and only drink it when I’m sick, maybe it’s one of those vicious cycle things, drink it when I’m sick, associate it with being sick).  So far, lots of coughing, though that could be the puking from last night/this morning and it feels like I’m going to puke.  I think maybe now it’s just a matter of waiting out the weakness and the nausea and the sweats.  I hope.

In the meanwhile, I’m just trudging through.  Soon he’ll move and I think when he does, that’ll be it.  It’ll be over.  And with him will go the last of my dreams.  After all.  A man just as damaged, just as scarred as me, a man who supported me and then became my judge, jury, and executioner.  I that man couldn’t love me for all my scars, then what man can?  What man is there in this world left who is strong enough, brave enough?  I don’t think that man exists. 

I told you all before to smack me if I spoke of love, I wish you had.  My dreams are all crushed now.  What hope is left after this?