change in plans

I’m not moving with Luke.

I don’t even know if Luke and I are going to be dating for much longer.

Fuck.  I don’t know if we’re still dating now.

After several huge fights, partly due to my anxiety, partly due to his pulling away (gotta love the repetitive pattern in guy behavior, at least they are all consistent).  

It finally came down to one summation from me.  "Whatever my flaws are they must be god-awful that no guy is willing to put up with them. (His response: They aren’t that bad, I’ve got flaws too.)  Yeah, but I know your flaws and I’m still willing to fight.  And that’s always the difference.  I’m always the one willing to fight even when I see the flaws in the other person.  I’m not the one in the car driving away.  I’m sitting here, still fighting, still willing to fight.  All I want is one person who is willing to fight for me.  That’s what it always come down to.  I’m always the one sitting here willing to fight and the guy is always the one pulling away, the one cutting ties and not willing to fight for me."

I know I’m not perfect.  I have issues.  I’m damaged in ways that sometimes I don’t even realize until someone points it out or someone hits the scar just right and makes it bleed it all over again.  I never have claimed to be anything but what I am.  Yet somehow I always end up punished for being broken and damaged.

Is it so wrong to want someone willing to fight for me?  To want someone who will love me despite my scars?  

I don’t know where things stand or where they are going anymore.  I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

But for right now, I feel like poop (aside from emotionally, I’m actually sick and have been since last night, great timing right?) so I’m going to go and lay down and try to sleep since I have a 10 hour shift tomorrow at work and I ended up leaving work early today because I didn’t feel well.

I’ll probably just cry but maybe I’ll exhaust myself to sleep. *sigh*