a new year

So I finally have a chance to sit down and write and I don’t even know where to start.

There is the boyfriend, Luke, who I’ve known for about 2 weeks now.  Yeah, only 2 weeks.  He’s…I don’t know, he’s Luke.  It’s hard to describe him.  He’s a loser but he’s a sweet loser.  He does D&D, he LARPs and is a member of SCA (or was, not sure if he is currently).  He is in the process of finding a job.  He gave me a really sweet Christmas gift even though he’d only just met me.  He formally asked me to be his girlfriend on Christmas.  He’s met my family.  It’s been….hectic.  It’s been frustrating.  It’s been a lot of things.

I don’t know how I feel today.

Last night was a disaster.  Huge family fight with Luke there to witness.  He managed to drink a bottle and a half of wine by himself because he couldn’t do anything during the fight to help me.  So he was a little inebriated.  He started talking about his past and some of the scars.  He did them to himself.  He cried.  I didn’t really know what to do.  

I don’t know what to do still.  I’m really confused.  He’s a good guy but I just want to run sometimes.  I don’t want to deal with a relationship when he’s not around.  When he is around things are usually good.  When he’s gone I just…I worry, I wonder, I get scared.

I’m always criticizing Twin 2 for bolting when she meets a great guy who she really likes and who really likes her.  But I think I understand it.  I’m afraid of him and for him and for myself and of myself all at the same time.  

I’m just a big old ball of nerves and anxiety right now.

S/n: I’m going to finally see my doctor about getting on meds for my anxiety and insomnia.  I don’t want to see a psych doctor because I don’t want that on my records where work can get to it.