secret longings

I met someone.

I don’t know how I feel about the whole situation yet.  My friends have met him.  They either like him or are waiting to know more about him.  I like him.  I don’t like that I like him.  This is the point in time when I need all of my friends to be supportive friends and smack me as I’ve asked before.  I don’t want to like him.  I don’t want to want him.  

But I do.  He makes me laugh.  He just stares at me and smiles and when I ask him what he’s staring at he goes "Your eyes are gorgeous."

He spent the night.  We necked like high schoolers but that was it.  All of the clothes stayed on and in place, properly buttoned/zipped.  It was amazing and terrifying.  I really like him.

He knows I’m scared.  He knows that Isaac left me broken and in pieces not from me but from my friends who have already warned him that if he hurts me they’ll castrate him.

He meets me sexually, at least the little bit of play that we have had.  I have big marks on my collarbone where he bit the hell out of me.  I tried to mark him in turn but in spite of how hard I bit him I don’t think I managed to leave a mark.  I’m actually bruised from the bites but jeez!!!  It felt so amazing.  I didn’t want it to stop.  I told him about my celibacy vow, that I don’t want sex again until I find a guy who can commit and puts a ring on my finger first.  He respects it.  At least he said he did and he didn’t really try to push for anything more from me.

He’s concerned because I’m afraid of him and he knows it.  He knows I’m wary of this whole situation, that I’ve been hurt and abused, probably beyond repairing.  I told him the truth, that the only thing he can do is to be there for me and to give me time to learn to trust him.

I don’t know.  He’s different somehow.  He’s goofy and fun and sweet and gentlemanly (he holds doors open for me all the time and didn’t put moves on me the first time we met).  He’s not perfect, he’s not even my type.  But he pulls me, against my will, he pulls me.