12/04/2011
"You’re a good soldier, choosing your battles"
I didn’t choose my battles today very well. Don’t get me wrong, I did a lot today considering.
Depression sucks the most because it leaves you so…drained. I’m tired all the time but then I don’t sleep. I lay in bed tossing and turning and trying to sleep then wake up through the night…I’m exhausted.
I cleaned today and I mean I cleaned. I have a bed and most of a floor…I’m very proud of myself at this point for that. Working on laundry, trying to at least. Hopefully I can at least get it out of the machines before I try to hit the bed.
I stared at my stats work blankly for hours tonight. I don’t remember any of this shit. Fucking depression fog. So after work tomorrow I’m going to do nothing but work. I will shut the computer down, no tv, no music, just work. Hopefully I will get stuff done. Stats has never been a problem but it’s a huge one right now, granted I have 2 weeks to work on the assignment but I also have a test on Wednesday so I need to study for that at least and this assignment is a mini-test sort of cumulative thing. I need to (more importantly) work on my flash cards for my Calc final because my last chance to ask questions will be on Wednesday. Mind you our last test is group (thank sweet baby Jesus for small favors) but the final is still cumulative and still solo mio so I need to make sure I get this stuff. My final for stats is voluntary. I have the chance to make up one of my tests and the test I bombed is the last one which is on the mini-test I’m working on now (and staring at blankly all day). Are we sensing a pattern because I am.
I have 4 bills all due this month. My license renewal was taken care of today (only $25 so easier to do it now) but my $100 insurance payment, my $100 state tax payment, and my $250 car payment will have to be taken care of in 2 weeks on my next paycheck, means I will likely not have any money left for Christmas and the only reason I’m going to even be able to take care of all of those at that point is because I have money already set aside for most of my car payment and that last paycheck before Christmas will be bank, having a total of 21 vacation hours on it, maxing my vacation hours that I didn’t use because 7 of those hours were supposed to go onto this paycheck but weren’t added into the system. So yay for 7 extra hours of vacation. Before taxes that’s almost $800. This past paycheck was (technically) over $500 but I didn’t see most of it (again setting money aside for all the bills/paying bills) and I’m already below $100 in my bank account. *heavy sigh* (For those keeping track the fourth bill is just my Onstar payment, a measly $20).
On Monday I have to call my loanholders and see why I haven’t gotten the hardship deferment paperwork I requested. Considering both of my school deferments are up this month (well technically only 1 is, the other is up in January but STILL!!) we all can see that I’m not going to have the kind of money to make all of these payments. I still haven’t been able to find a second job that will work with my availability and the pharmacy still can’t afford for me to change my availability. We’ve had 2 techs leave in the past month, we are down to 3 (YES THREE!!!) fully trained and licensed technicians, one of whom is completely unavailable on weekends. We’ve hired two new techs but neither of them is fully trained, although I believe one might already be state licensed, she is still a greenie in our field, very little hands-on experience. Liz would kill me if I tried to change my availability because we have NO ONE to cover our hours. We are by far I think the least-staffed pharmacy in our district. God help us when Liz goes on her vacation to go home for Christmas. We’re gonna die. >_<
Okay, I work in the morning and I want to try and get at least a little sleep tonight so I’m going to get take a shower and go to bed (early for me, not for most people, it’s almost 1am already and it will be after by the time I get out of the shower and in bed).T_T At least I don’t have to pack a lunch, I left my lunch there the other day since I didn’t end up eating any of it. So I’ll get up early enough to try and eat breakfast so that means getting up about 8:30am or at least setting my alarm for 8:30, I’m more likely to snooze it until 9 but I’ll make the herculean effort to get up early enough to actually eat breakfast…come to think of it though I think I have poptarts at work in my lunch…maybe I’ll just get up at 9 after all.
Oh well, shower and bed, maybe more update since I actually had a pertinent/fun update to write and I got sidetracked with the negative, again. Tomorrow, fun update, swear!!!
