wtf?

"what keeps us going in times of when desperation has hit us? When life has taken a sudden unexpected turn? It is called Hope a little thing it might be but it is just enough to show us the way. So i say never give up never give in and let go but fight for that little inch. For without it we would all be lost, grasping at straws and always remember you are not alone."

Seriously?  Are you serious?  That’s what Isaac has as his facebook status.  Oh this a-hole is seriously pushing my buttons, he’s lucky he’s not on this side of the ocean or I’d be going after him with all guns blazing.  I have been struggling, STRUGGLING for weeks, fighting for fucking EVERYTHING and finding myself pretty much utterly alone in my weakest moments because my boyfriend, one of my best friends has pretty much ignored my existence for weeks now.  And he has the fucking balls to write shit like this on FB?!?  OMFG!!!  I am half-tempted to shoot at him and yell at him and just be a total bitch.  I’ve had everyone drop of hope in me wrung out and I’m pretty much on E when it comes to life.  The only reason I don’t have any new physical scars from cutting is because I have the will of a fucking ox and I’ve got all my self-destructive instincts in a fucking stranglehold.  God forbid I give in, get caught, and get lectured for the umpteenth time in my life.  Most people in my life don’t realize the depth of my LACK of coping mechanisms.  I spend most of my day with an awful tightness in my chest, constricting my heart while I fight (notice a pattern here?) not to have a panic attack, not to step into oncoming traffic, not to drive my car off a bridge, not to cut, not to itch at the hives (yes I STILL have fucking stress-hives), not to lose my temper with any of the numerous idiots I deal with on a daily, heck, an hourly basis.  Not to freak out on my family, not to panic about school or my jobs or any of that.  Not turn around and turn into a slut just to feel like someone in the world fucking WANTS ME!!!  

I am not a weak person for wanting someone to want me, to care about me.  I’m more than aware of all my short-comings, I have them pointed out on a regular basis.  I have them shoved in my face like salt in a wound all the time.  I’m single, I’m independent but not totally independent.  I have plans for my future but none are set in stone.  I am a dork, I play video games but they aren’t my life.  I love cars and motorcycles but don’t really understand the technical stuff about them.  I like sports but I don’t play because I have zero bodily coordination.  Sometimes I’m a girly-girl, other times I’m a tomboy.  I’m complicated as heck and I know that but I have simple wants and needs.  And I have no problems with expressing myself and what I want or how I feel.

I hate getting the advice "you have to love yourself before others will love you".  Uh, I do love myself actually.  I have flaws but so does everyone, I try to keep the bad ones under control and utilize the good ones.  I work on myself all the time because I want to not because others expect me to.  I pretty much live my life for me (granted it probably doesn’t sound that way on here because I don’t really write all the day -to-day minutia of my life.  I love myself enough to know when someone or something is bad for me.  I love myself enough to break my own heart when someone else is breaking it by cutting them off.  It hurts like hell right now to have to distance myself from Isaac.  I still love him in spite of the shit that he’s done lately but I also know that I deserve to be treated better, I deserve a guy who doesn’t just bail on me.  

I don’t think it’s asking too much to want someone else who loves me as much as I love myself, hell, who loves me even more than I love myself!  I want a partner, a lover, and a friend.  I want someone who will be my equal and who will fight for me, for us.  I want someone to love and be loved by.  I don’t know why I can’t seem to find the guy out there who fits those criteria except that he must not exist.  Maybe some people really don’t have a soulmate, maybe some people aren’t destined to have that kind of love in their life.  Even if it’s something that they dream of having.