Silence

I know, I’ve been silent for a while.  The oh-so-brief entry I wrote a while back.  I had plans for it.  I guess, in His own mysterious way, God stepped in and told me to be patient.  He loves to work through animals, has anyone else noticed that?  Haha.

I’d planned to write about how lonely I’ve been and how, for the first time in my life, I’ve been feeling tempted to cheat.  Not seriously considering, just…I’m finally getting a glimpse into how some people fall down and take that path.  Not the a-holes who cheat because they can’t commit.  I’ve always known that there are hundreds of ways to leave a relationship without ever ending it.  I’ve been in long distance relationships before.  I’ve been on my own before.  But I’ve never felt lonely like this before.

I know why I’m lonelier now than I have been before.

We had a standard set of behavior, a way that our relationship worked.  I’m used to that, used to the constant contact, used to him being close at hand.  That’s the only way I’ve known our relationship.  That’s the dynamic I know, that I’ve known for our whole relationship.  I can’t think in that dynamic anymore.  I’ve been infinitely patient during this whole thing, but I haven’t really adjusted to it, just endured it.  I’m adjusting to it.  Finally.  We’ve texted.  He’s still at training.  It’s the ‘hurry up and wait’ now.  He’s promised to write me letters.  I don’t know if he’ll do it now or if he’ll start when he’s actually overseas.  I didn’t ask that.  I guess I’ll have to ask the next time I catch him.  

I miss him.  I miss us.  I miss my friend and my lover and my companion, my confidante.  I miss how our relationship was and I hate how it is now.  Oh well.  It’s the life I signed up for.  Nothing for it now but to settle in and buckle up for the ride.