Life

I feel like my life is falling apart around my head and I’m sitting here wondering what earthquake I missed.

Recap:

I have friends pissed at me.

I have a boyfriend who is basically breaking up with me, or so the consensus has been reached, and so I was told by his dad.

I am feeling pushed around and stepped all over by everyone in my life trying to boss me around and make me do what they want, when they want, how they want even if it’s not what I want.  (I swear if one more person tries to get me to trade shifts or work for them I might scream!)

I have fucked my ankle again.

There is drama going on at work because one of our pharmacists was forced to transfer or else be fired.  Our lead tech has decided that she is going to move which means we’ll get a new lead in the next few weeks/months.

And I’m trying to make sure no one realizes how upset I am because apparently being upset over anything means I’m a drama-whore or I’m being selfish or childish, or I don’t know take your pick.  I’ve been called all of them at some point in my week.  

And two of the people I would have turned to are both not speaking to me and I’m really not sure why on either of their parts but I’m too emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted to devote any more of my time when it takes all my energy just to get out of bed, trudge to work, and come home at this point.  When I have any energy, usually the restless antsy energy you get when you’ve pushed yourself too far and you’re on that weird emotional high, I have been devoting it to cleaning and organizing my room.  It hasn’t done much but I feel a little better about the progress here and there that I do see.

I had a breakdown at work yesterday because the pharmacist asked me how my weekend was.  Apparently that was all it took for the fragile walls I’d built to let me get through my day to come crashing down.  He and the other technician looked floored because I don’t think either of them have really seen me get upset because I’m usually pretty good about keeping my head in the pharmacy.  And there I was bawling like a kid with skinned knees because my heart started breaking all over again.

And it’s still breaking because I still don’t know what to do anymore.  My life was finally good, I was happy with every aspect of my life even the ones that I was changing and looking to move on from (like my jobs).  I was happy and excited for every day.  Now I don’t even know why I’m bothering to get out of bed because I’m waiting for the ax to fall and ruin everything.

I want to run away to the beach and never come back.  No one needs this crap in their life.