yeah I know

I’m being bad about updating.  Mostly I’m tired of repeating myself.  Life is boring right now.  I work all the time and when I wasn’t working this week I was recouping from my trip to the ER still.  I finally managed to get laundry done only to have my mom try and be helpful and woke up this morning to find her re-washing all my clean clothes including the work clothes that I needed because she thought since they were still in the laundry room that I hadn’t washed them yet.  Ohemgee.  That was a nightmare.  I had damp pants going to work for all the wrong reasons.

Isaac and I are still barely talking, in fact pretty much haven’t talked I think since the last update I did.  Am I okay with it?  No not really but I don’t exactly have much of a choice right now.  I can’t get him to talk to me so I don’t know if he’s just still got a lot on his mind or if he’s still mad at me or if he’s having second thoughts about us or what.  I have no clue.  So for now I’m just going to keep doing what I promised him I’d do.  Until he tells me we’re over, I’m just going to keep living my life like we’re a couple, even if right now it really doesn’t feel like we are.  I wonder if other military guys do this stuff with their loved ones?  And Georgie I don’t wanna hear about your damned cousin one more time because let’s remember, not all military guys act the same way and not all guys deal with deployment the same way.  As this is our first deployment, this sort of crap could very well be exactly what he’s like when he’s getting ready for every deployment.  His family can’t even say for sure because he’s barely talking to them too.  Still talking to them which is kind of irritating but even they have confirmed that he’s not talking much even to them.  

We also found out what he’s going to be doing while they’re overseas and none of us are okay with it.  I won’t discuss details but lets just say the danger factor on his job went up from what it normally is supposed to be at.  We all have a strong suspicion that between that and the insane amount of PT they’re doing this time around (apparently they were hardly doing any the first time away), yeah I can believe that he’s got a lot on his mind.

Then there is the comment that he made during our ‘discussion’ before he left about how he thinks we’re rushing things.  I don’t know what exactly he meant but we discussed it to some extent.  We’ve had ‘future us’ discussions and in all them I’ve flat out said that I don’t want to be married before I’ve been with someone for at least a year and even that is ‘love at first site, I found my soulmate’ best-case scenario time frame.  I plan on not getting married for at least a year after I get engaged, I’d want at least that long to plan the wedding!  Plus I only want to be married once so I’m gonna make damned sure that I’m marrying the right guy and I’m not going to rush into a permanent relationship.  Now I might rush into a ‘serious’ relationship, yes.  That’s because I don’t have a problem with serious.  I have a problem with making someone permanent in my life (a huge risk that I can definitely see blowing up in my face considering my track record), particularly if I haven’t known them for very long and thus I would feel as if I still don’t know enough about them to decide to put my future in their hands.  Now I could see he and I moving in together in the future, yes.  I think we work well as a couple.  But I really don’t know what we’d be like dealing with each other every day.  We both like our space but we both like being intimate (not sex I mean legitimately intimate).  We don’t really know any of the other person’s day-to-day routines or habits or emotional cycles.  Living together would be a trial of it’s own.  And I’d probably not want to get engaged before we at least lived together for at least 6-harmonious consecutive months.  

See, I’ve got a list of qualifications a mile long!  And this man seems to think I’m rushing something.  WTF is he thinking?

But see this is the sort of thing that an intelligent mind will do to itself if left unchecked.  We take in every detail, every nuance and replay it in our head over and over trying to make all the pieces fit together and then we figure out that the pieces could actually go together about 100+ different ways and all of them are fairly valid, they can be argued with at least a modicum of success.  

I think that’s why intelligent people are so prone to paranoia.  Let’s face it, if you could argue successfully for 10 different cases based on one set of evidence that you just keep going over, but all the same evidence…yeah, there is definitely the potential for paranoia there.

You add in a dash of no-self-confidence and some first-class abandonment issues and you have all the makings of my view on relationships.  And people wonder why I can’t hold on to a boyfriend.