amends

 So as most readers who have been with me for a while have figured out (or read depending on what entry you started with) I tend to be an emotional writer.  I write how I feel when I feel it so strongly that I just can’t bottle it up inside.  As such many of my entries are often skewed to the extreme.  

Last night I wrote such an entry, friends only, baring my heart in all it’s flawed and fatalistic glory.

The reality is that as hard as I try to be an optimist, as brightly as I smile and as often as I laugh, deep inside I’m scared.  I’m terrified of people that I love leaving me.  It has happened so often in my life that I will let someone into my life into my heart only to be tossed aside and made to feel that I’m worthless, that I meant nothing to them.  I have tried so hard each time that’s happened, tried to harden my heart, steel my soul and promise to myself that I will never let another living being hurt me like that again.  But I always do.  I want love and I want it with every fiber of my being, more than I think most other beings ever dream of it.  I’ve dreamed of it my whole life, not fairytale love that happens miraculously and makes everything in the world all right.  I’m not so naive as to believe that sort of love exists.  I want real love.  Love that is dependable and meaningful, love that fights and is worth fighting for.  I want someone to share my life with, to share myself with, the good and the bad and even the ugly.  But to have that love means I have to be willing to risk getting hurt.

After Quinn I was a mess.  I fell apart and barely had the strength to get out of bed each morning.  But I did, because I was supposed to.  Sometimes that was all that got me through those first horrible months, knowing that people were depending on me, even if it wasn’t very important at the time.  Work depended on me, my family depended on me.  They all expected me to get up and do what I was supposed to do so I did.  I got through and things got easier.  I started enjoying myself again, started feeling more like myself again.  My heart started to mend, not much but a little.  To this day I don’t think it’s fully mended from how badly I was hurt, betrayed.  I know some of that is lapping over into my feeling for Isaac, especially right now, during this time when I should be strong, when I should be a rock for him while his life is in utter chaos.  The problem is that I get so tired of being strong and it’s so hard when even the smallest thoughtless act sparks a ripple that turns into a riptide that preys on every fear, every scar I have, especially the ones that are so recent and so new that they’ve only begun to scab over and truly, finally, heal.  It’s instinctive at this point, in some deep primal level, to lash out mentally and emotionally, to assume the worst and to spin the worst outcomes into distended, engorged proportions that don’t even make sense to me in the light of day.  They become horrible monsters in the darkest parts of my heart, of my very soul, the parts of me that are terrified of being hurt, the parts of me that have become my first, last, and only line of defense, that parts of me that drive away any and all who try to get too close to me.  Those scar-demons grab onto my fears and insecurities and whip me past the bounds that my rational mind can withstand.

I was up until 2am, my mind racing, the demons created by my past terrorizing me, praying on my fears and doubts and swirling them out of proportion in the dark while I was alone.  I must have drifted to sleep finally sometime after that because the next thing I know I’m being woken up by a phone call; it’s 4am.  That phone call was a catalyst.  I dont’ think she meant it to be.  She threatened bodily harm to Isaac, upset on my behalf that I was upset and hurting.  I love her, so very much, because sometimes even when she’s giving me advice about one thing, she’s helping me grasp a reality that I can’t see for myself.  I love you Georgie, I do so much and you will never ever EVER truly know how much your friendship means to me.  I appreciate you for all that you do and all that you say.  I know he’s hurt me but in truth, he did it unintentionally and I know that, I can see that now that I’ve been awake since 4am. *droll look* I had a lot of time to myself to think about what you were saying.

I love Isaac.  There is no denying that and no going back from it.  I love him.  He has claimed fear so often as his reason for holding back, for keeping himself separate from me for so long and I know part of it still holds him back.  The truth is, my own fears have been holding me back but in an entirely different way.

I haven’t been totally honest with him and for that I know I’m probably going to suffer.  The reality is that I’m damaged goods and I don’t think he’s ever grasped that.  I do a damned good job of hiding it, even from myself on my particularly good days.  I have issues with trust and that’s something I need to face.  I want to trust Isaac and to large degree I do.  It’s hard though when things get tough and doubts start sprouting up out of the ground like weeds.  I haven’t admitted it to myself in a long time and I certainly haven’t made that clear to Isaac and that’s my fault.  I’ve tried to tell him without telling him and maybe that’s where the trouble is stemming from.  I need to just tell him flat out that I have trust issues and need reassuring.  I can’t be strong when I’m being torn apart by my own doubts, worse by my own doubts about my self-worth.  Who could?  I’ve been strong about this deployment up to date.  I’ve not told him how much I resent it, how much it bothers me.  I’ve been strong and supportive and everything that a good girlfriend should be.  But the last few days it’s been hard, harder than normal, while I’ve been trying to be strong and supportive all the while I’m being eaten alive by every little mistake, every fight, every harsh word or misplaced intention.  It’s eating me up and I’ve been trying to hide it and in hiding it I let it get the better of me.

I should be better than that.  I will be, at least I will try to be from now.  I only hope that I haven’t damaged my relationship with my own failings.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out when he gets back from visiting his family.