what I feel

Firstly, thank you to all my wonderful noters.  The last couple of entries were sort of terse I know, even cryptic and badly worded in places.  But thank you everyone for your kind words and support, it means a lot to me.

However that brings me to the meat of this entry.  Several noters said along the same vein of "when it feels right/when you really mean it/when you really feel it, the words will happen".

Here’s the thing.  I do feel it.  I do mean it when I talk about it on here.  The timing is all wrong but when I’m with him….it just feels right to be with him.  Even when I’m mad as hell with him, it feels right to be there with him, being mad at him and all.  

And it scares the ever-loving hell out of me!

I keep thinking of how perfect and wonderful it felt when I was with Quinn.  How it felt so amazing to be in his arms, how I thought maybe he was it, the One, my perfect mate.  I keep thinking of how much I loved him, I loved him to the point where I was no longer myself and looking back on it, I see that now.  I didn’t see it at the time.  I turned my whole world upside down for him, was changing myself for him and I didn’t even realize it.  

I’m scared that will happen again, now, with Isaac.  I’m scared that I will love him so much that I’ll start disappearing.  I’m scared that I’ll make him my whole world and then it won’t be enough.  I’m scared to go through that again.  It was so hard to pick up the pieces of my life after Quinn.  There are still days when I miss him, when I miss us.  Days when I wish I could go back and do things differently, to change the outcome somehow.  In my head I know I’m better off without him, I do.  But my heart still remembers what it was like to be in love with him, my heart still loves him.  

"You don’t just stop loving someone.  Either you never really did or you always will."

I still love him.  Not the way that I used to, not really.  I mean, I wouldn’t date him again now after what we’ve been through.  He’s already shown me once that he can’t be what I need.  I know that now.  I wish I had known that then.  I wish I didn’t still love him.  I wish I didn’t have the scars from loving him.  Then maybe I wouldn’t be so terrified of facing the fact that I’m in love with Isaac.  

I’m terrified of repeating my mistake.  I’m always making mistakes when it comes to dating.  I’ve loved the wrong men twice now.  Both times I ended up giving my heart to a guy who didn’t want it, didn’t know what to do with it or how to care for it.  Twice, I ended up with my heart in pieces.  At 16 it was easier to mend, it was easier to believe that there was a reason, a plan for what happened.  It was easier to hope that my One was still out there somewhere and that being in love and having my heart broken would just make me appreciate him more.  That’s why people write all of those stupid love songs right?  Because you have to suffer sometimes in order to earn the good things in life.  

At 24, it was harder.  Harder to watch the people around me fall in love and get engaged and get married.  Hard to watch them have love and happiness handed to them without suffering a god-damned thing.  I suffered.  I was broken inside for months trying to figure out what was so wrong with me that I couldn’t find love.  Trying to figure out what I had done wrong, where had I gone wrong.  Was I so awful that I didn’t deserve to be loved?  That I didn’t deserve to find someone who could love me as much as I could love them?  Was there no one in the world who wanted to spend their life with me that at 24 I was becoming the old spinster of my circle of friends, the perpetually single one, the one who never had a date, couldn’t keep a boyfriend, didn’t even get hit on at the bar?  What was so wrong with me?

And now here comes Isaac being wonderful and sweet and romantic, making me feel beautiful and desired and cared about.  And here I go doing my stupid mistakes all over again and all I can see is the trainwrecks in my past, see the same mistakes happening again, me screwing something else up.  Me ending up with my heart broken again.

That’s why I can’t say it yet, why I can’t tell him that I love him.  I do love him.  But I’m terrified of loving him.  I have only 1 good dating experience on my extensive track record and even that one is a gray-area sort of ending.  Everything I know about dating is wrong.  Everything I know has been one mistake after another, one dead-end screw-up after another.  I don’t want this to be another one.  I don’t want to watch this one go down in flames like the others.  If I say that I love him, how much more will it hurt when things go wrong?  And have nothing in my history to indicate that it will go right!  I’m lousy at dating and unlucky at love. 

What’s a girl to do?

Okay.  Now that I’m crying my eyes out, it’s late (almost 2:30am) so I’m going to crawl into bed and hopefully enjoy my day off tomorrow. 

Xx