worries

I don’t remember if I mentioned this before but I’m sure I probably did; right before Christmas my step-dad lost his job.

He still hasn’t found a new one. It’s been over a month. We’re basically surviving off of his unemployment and my mom and little brother’s disability income from social security. Obviously things aren’t too bad or I wouldn’t still have internet in the house or cable or any of that nonsense. They wouldn’t have cell phones either. We’d probably lose the cars if things got really bad, although I am pretty sure they are all paid off so maybe it wouldn’t be a warning sign.

So why am I so deathly afraid right now that we will lose our home? That these things will start happening? I have literally just spent the last 30 minutes lying in bed wondering and worrying and wishing I had someone I could talk to about all of this. But it’s the middle of the night and most people are asleep so there’s no one.

I am praying for a miracle almost every night. Something that will make things a little easier on our family.

I’m praying my step-dad will find a job soon because otherwise I don’t know what’s going to happen to us.

I’m praying that I get a raise or a better job offer or that I can take that stupid PTCE and pass it and get the better pay/job that I need to get my life on track straight.

I’m praying for guidance to find financial security.

I’m praying that I get a better car so I don’t have to keep paying into keeping my POS car taped together.

I’m praying that somehow, SOMEHOW, a miracle will happen so I can move out of this house that does nothing but tear me apart, emotionally and mentally. The fighting, the constant sniping and bickering at all hours of the day and night, the negativity, the hostility, the NOISE!! I want peace and quiet when I get home. I want to be able to watch what I want, when I want, where I want. I want to be able to come home from work, cook a meal, sit down and eat and relax without having to share my food or eat in my bedroom or listening to shouting and arguing. I want to be able to do laundry when I need to do it. I want to be able to put my bathroom supplies IN THE BATHROOM without having to worry whether or not they’ll be there when I go to use them next. I want to be able to curl up in my favorite chair and read for more than 5 uninterrupted minutes. I want to actually get my mail the same day it is delivered!

People take that kind of crap for granted so often. I yearn for it so badly it aches! I want freedom to just be! To be in the moment, to sleep undisturbed, to lay on the couch and watch a movie from start to finish without having to argue with someone! To pull out my scrapbooking stuff and scatter it on the floor and work contentedly in silence (or with music, whatever) for hours until I’m done or until something more amusing comes along and then have to option to leave it there and know it will still be there just like I left it when I come back. I want to be able to take a shower without someone walking in on me. I want to be in control of the thermostat. I want to be able to cook and actually get to enjoy the food I cook. To know that my leftovers will be there when I go to eat them for lunch or dinner the next day. I’d like to know that the juice I buy will be there for more than a day and that I’ll actually get to have more than a single glass of it.

…..

*sigh* I don’t feel much better for having vented but I guess the next step is to go and take a bubble bath or put some scented oil in the bath and hope that that relaxes me enough to sleep. Good thing I bought that ‘sleep’ bath from B&BW last month on clearance. It’s come in handy already this year.

Anybody need a roommate?