quickie

I don’t have a lot of time to update or note people (or note them back in some cases) although I did go and read through most of my updated faves list.

Kale came over last night.  It’s weird.  I’m not really attracted to him anymore but the minute he puts his hands on me it’s all I can do to not drag him off somewhere and make him finish what he started.  I don’t think it’s him though, I think it’s just because I’m horny and he’s available.  It doesn’t help that he’s good at turning me on.  But then I also am beginning to suspect that my not being attracted to him anymore is me psyching myself out.  Why?  Let me explain

1. There is nothing wrong with Kale.  He is tall and pretty cute and has the build I LOVE on a guy (Kind of a cross between a swimmer and a football player, most soccer players have that build too, so do some rugby guys.)  He’s funny and smart and he reads!  But there are some things that he does (or really that he doesn’t do) that bother me and I won’t go into them now due to time constraints, maybe when I get off of work tonight.
2. I’m terrified at this point of relationships or of really even getting close to anyone.  After the last 6 months of total disasters in my personal life (the bff backstabbing me, the wanna-be bff bailing, a few ‘friends’ talking trash and insulting me, Doug, and of course Quinn) I’m pretty gun-shy.  I don’t even really want to try and be friends with new people these days for fear they’re going to end up screwing me over.  The idea of actually getting involved romantically, like getting attached to someone…well, it’s not a pretty picture, let’s leave it at that.
3. Quinn.  Yes, I still having really deep and complex feelings for him, I do still love him and I definitely still want him physically too.  Do I think he returns my feelings?  Honestly, it doesn’t make a difference at this point.  Our history is so complex that I don’t think we’d make it as a couple.  He lied to me, he used me, he led me on.  I have a strong feeling that he does still have feelings about me because he has hinted at it (saying things like "I still care about you a lot" and "You don’t know how I feel about you").  I know he still wants me physically.  But there is too much in our way right now (maybe forever) for those feelings to really make a difference.  He has the rest of the year at college, then there is grad school and him possibly moving miles and miles away for it.  And there are all his own insecurities of course.  Honestly, I think even if he did return my feelings it wouldn’t matter.  He’d have to get over himself and all the damage he did to us and our friendship before he’d stand a chance at getting another shot with me.  (I don’t know why you really asked MyHeals, but your asking made me really think about the answer and that’s a lot of what went through my mind.)

I am really looking forward to Tuesday.  It’s my day off, first one since Monday.  Plus next week I start full time so hopefully those paychecks will start getting steadier and I can start getting my life mobile again.  Ok, that makes it sound like I’m trying to move or something, lol.  Not the case.  It’s just my life is pretty stagnant right now with me just treading water to keep my head above it all, like I’m sitting in the car waiting to start a road trip or something, engine on, radio on, just not moving, not going anywhere.  I want to start going somewhere.  Moving out, going to grad school eventually, those kinds of things.  *sigh*  So hopefully I can at least get back on the road once I start having a steady income, start saving some money, start getting my life back on track.

Ok, this entry has gone on far longer than I planned to but I really do have SO much I want to talk about.  But it’s 11:20, I have to be at work at noon and so I only have about 25 minutes to get dressed and eat lunch before I have to leave.  Maybe I will write again later when I get home. 

BYE!

Xx