staying positive

So this whole positive energy thing I’ve been working on for the last few weeks is definitely paying off. In small ways of course for now but that’s still paying off. Work has been going well. I’ve not gotten any more hour cuts really. I mean, I lost 2 hours next week at the pharmacy I think but I’m still at 10 hours which is the minimum I’m supposed to be getting so it’s okay by me for now. For now. At the store things are still good, picked up some more hours for next week so that in spite of the hour cuts at the pharmacy I’ll only have one actual day off, Tuesday. I’ll be doing about 30 hours or so next week all together which for me is pretty darn good.

Kale is getting ready to close on the house, hopefully it’ll happen on Monday at the latest, otherwise he has to pay another $200 in order to keep the rates locked in on his mortgage paperwork for another week or something like that. I’m looking forward to it because current living arrangements definitely cut into my plans for this evening. He rents a room with a family and somehow we ended up more or less babysitting tonight, 2 teenage boys so it wasn’t so bad but still. We spent the evening playing Munchkin and Risk. There was no hanky-panky going on and I was rather disappointed. But we still had fun. Dinner was good and everyone got along well. They loved the brownies I made (I felt since he was cooking dinner for us I could make dessert so I made some scratch-brownies). And in spite of no hanky-panky he continued the leaning in with his lips puckered thing that I noticed the other day. When I was getting ready to leave we were talking about how he’ll be glad to be an adult again and have his own place so he can do what he wants again. We were joking about me giving it up to him and I said, "Oh I don’t know about giving you anything". So he shot back "Well we already know I can take it if it came to that." *shivers* Oh yeah, there we go, that’s what I’m talking about right there. I want that aggression, that dominance back. Don’t get me wrong, this cutesy take-it-slow thing is cute and all but it isn’t what I want right now. Honestly, I don’t know what that stuff means or doesn’t mean or could mean, or whatever, you guys know what I mean. The dominance I get, it’s sexual and sensual and really has nothing involved in it (or at least I can sit there and insist it has nothing involved in it which makes it easier for me to deal with right now). The cutesy, bordering-on-coupley behavior is…unexpected…distracting…confusing…really, it causes the WTF? mentality where I sit there trying to psychoanalyze and figure out why even if there is no why to what’s going on. It could be he is just comfortable acting that way with girls, or even just with girls he is sleeping with. Maybe in his mind we are casually dating and that sort of behavior is acceptable. Because really the cutesy stuff never goes beyond a certain limit; we don’t hold hands, we don’t stand around close to each other, we hardly touch on the few occasions we’ve been in public together. (See what I mean by psychoanalyzing everything?) We have both expressed supreme dislike of the C word, though I don’t know his reasons for it I’m pretty sure he has at least an idea of why I am not looking for it. I have flat out told him that I don’t believe there is such a thing as a commitment-phobe but that I’m definitely not looking for commitment. So yeah.

Okay, I really need to get to sleep soon. I have less than 8 hours before I have to be up for work and for a long day at work too. 9:45-4 or 4:15. Then of course I have to pop over to the pharmacy and check my hours (I forgot to write them down yesterday) plus grab my paystubs. Then I’m supposed to help my uncle apply for jobs online. And Kale promised to text me tomorrow. We’ll see if that happens or not, he’s not all that good about that stuff. He’ll text me, just not always when he says he will. I have no life anyway so it doesn’t matter if he does or not. Chances are good that I will end up at Grady’s with the guys from work. Ugh, I get paid tomorrow and it sucks because I have a loan bill due next week and Momster wants money too so I will be broke probably as soon as I get paid. FML! I need to sleep. I need to sleep and my brain keeps rambling on. It keeps trying to analyze, keeps trying to do math so I can figure out how the fahk to have a life of my own! I need to open a savings account. Maybe I can sneak that in tomorrow too after I get off work. Probably not though. Maybe next Friday since I don’t have any huge bills coming out of that one. Ugh, see, this is why I lay awake at night for hours. My brain doesn’t know how to shut off! Even without the computer on I’d still be going through all this nonsense in my head and it sucks. That’s the normal worrying stuff, money and budgets and life.

Then on top of that is the minor inconvenience of trying to manage the Kale situation. I say minor inconvenience because I refuse to get worked up over it. It’s not going to be permanent, heck I’m already anticipating it being over by September, October at the latest. But at the same time, that little part of me that so loves to study psychology is twitterpated trying to figure out why he is so darn cutesy-sweet if it is just sex and why if there is obviously not sexing going on does he still want me to hang out, or is it just that he’s being polite? But then if it’s just polite, why isn’t he polite in other ways? He doesn’t really open doors for me or things like that so that kind of throws the polite thing into a gray area. I suspect he held back when we had sex last time because in all honesty, the intensity of his dominating alpha male thing was a little overwhelming, particularly when combined with my own confusion and worry about us being on different pages. I think he realized the dominance was part of the problem and held back, even if he didn’t understand exactly all of why I was skittish. Now that I feel like we are on the same page I want that alpha male back, I want to know what it’s like to play with the fire, even if it means getting burned.

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