bring on the rain

It rained today. It definitely brought out some fantasy/memories for me. I used to roleplay online on an adult site. It wasn’t much and it wasn’t for long but the anonymity helped me to break out of my box a lot back in the day. Mind you this was years ago; I was attempting to break out of the proverbial box I’d lived most of my life in sexually. I never talked about and I still don’t really, it’s not that I’m ashamed of it but it’s just simpler not to bring it up. Let’s face it, most people don’t understand the whole online-adult-play world in the first place; they really can’t wrap their minds around someone as ‘normal’ as me being drawn into that world. But I digress.

The rain today reminded me of one particular session. It ended up taking place in the rain and it was a dominant/submissive encounter. I really am an adventurous heart trapped in a timid mind. The idea of being dominated has always fascinated me and turned me on. The rare moments when I have encountered a dominant sexually it has been intense, I react instinctively. I am feisty too but most of the dominants I have encountered found it a bit of a turn on that I was, I would always cave eventually but it was those moments while I was fighting that they’d start smiling that cheshire-cat grin that says "Just wait little kitten, just wait, I’m patient enough to pull you down." But I want that. I want the feeling of surrender, of giving in to a stronger personality for a few moments (or hours) of bliss.

I’d love to go out in the summer rain and roll around naked in the wet grass, wrestling with my lover, feeling the water rippling down my skin as our bodies slide against each other, the sweat being washed away as soon as it rises to our skin.

I want to be craved, to be owned, to be used. To be cherished, and adored. I want a man who will tear down all those wall I have to hide behind. The walls I’ve had to build up over the years to protect myself, to keep from being hurt and used by people who don’t care about me or seek to cause me pain. I’ve long suspected that I am a natural sub, what some dominants I think refer to as a high end submissive. Obviously I don’t know this for sure, I’ve never let myself fall into the situation where it might be ‘recognized’. But some ways that people talk about this type of submissive seem to ring far too close to home. I dislike conflict, I am known to throw myself into a fight to stop it because I cannot stand seeing people out of control, it truly scares me to see it, even more-so if it’s someone I know of as being ‘in control’ all the time. I am also nearly instinctive in responding to a dominant personality, in and out of the bedroom, particularly when they are very obviously in control, even when they are in the wrong or are not looking out for my interests, unfortunately I have even done it when my brain is sitting there yelling at me not to do it. I have gotten better at not reacting to these people, at stopping myself from giving so much of myself to people who don’t deserve it. But it’s just part of who/what I am to give to people, to want to please them, to make them happy. And it genuinely horribly upsets me when I fail someone or disappoint them. Even getting into fights with people, even when I am in the right, can make me feel like a horrible human being for days afterwards. Which is stupid! I am in the right, I shouldn’t feel bad for standing up for myself. But I do. I can’t stand myself when I disappoint people or hurt them on accident. I have to force myself to not apologize, to not ‘make up for it’ when I am put in situations where I have to stand up for myself and have a freaking spine.

But I can’t find the man who understands this. The man who sees that I am going to almost always give in to him, that I’m going to follow naturally where he leads. That it’s not because I ‘want him to love me’ (yes, some guys have described similar behavior in girls, but not directly pertaining to me); I do it just because it feels right to do it! It feels right to do as he tells me, to let him be in charge, to do any- and everything to make him happy, even knowing it could end up with me being hurt from giving too much of myself. This innate desire to submit is why I have sworn to be more careful with who I get involved with, if I get deeply involved ever again with a man. I can’t keep giving and giving and getting so little back. It’s like pouring water out of a rain barrel in the middle of a drought, it just doesn’t work!!

Wow, this has turned into way longer of an entry than I intended and I really don’t know where I’m going with it anymore so I’ll just end it here.