deep thoughts

I’m still thinking.  I’ve been thinking since last night at Kale’s.

I’m a little scared.

Kale is funny, intelligent, sweet; he’s already been my white knight once.  He’s intensely sexual and dominating but he’s not all that much of a control freak.  Looking at him or interacting with him in public I don’t think anyone would guess just how much of the aggressor he is naturally.  That’s just what I always dreamt of finding in a man.  Someone who was dominating sexually but laid back everywhere else.  He makes me laugh and he can hold intelligent conversations.  And he reads!!  As much as, if not more than, I do!  He has stacks of books in his room and he says they are just from the past few months that he has been living in that house, that he has cases of them in storage with his furniture.

I really like this guy.

I don’t want to like this guy.

I don’t want to like him or anyone else for that matter.  I’m tired of trying, of taking a chance and leaping into some great adventure only to end up with skidmarks on my butt and scars on my heart when it all goes badly.

Then on top of my inclination to fight my natural reaction of leaping without worrying about the landing (because let’s face it, the leaping is almost always fun, it’s the landing that usually sucks), I don’t know what Kale wants.  I mean, he can’t just be after sex.  He spends hours with me doing nothing but playing video games with some idle chit chat, or watching a movie and remaining in companionable silence.  We haven’t had sex since that second night we hung out.  We’ve come close, we’ve messed around.  But I’ve stayed firm and it’s not gone that far.  But I want it to happen again and that’s just as dangerous.  I want to take the leap again.  Not necessarily on a maybe-hopefully-relationship.  I just want to take the leap and be able to have fun again.

But that stuff always ended badly, always got me into trouble.  It’s part of why I refuse to do it anymore!  It’s fun during the leap but afterwards I crash and burn, hard.  I’m just not up to doing that anymore, to picking myself up off the floor and dragging on with what’s left of me.

I don’t know what to do now.  I’ve had the "great realization" that it’s not just ‘he’s a cool guy’.  I actually genuinely like this guy.  My gut reaction is to cut and run now.  But I don’t think that would be fair to him.  He at least deserves to know what’s going on, to know that it’s not him, that it actually is me.  I don’t know how to tell him or even really what to tell him.  I’m scared of saying anything to him.  And I’m mad at myself for doing this all over again.  For five months I’ve kept myself from leaping, from being tempted to leap.  I’ve messed around with guys, I’ve half-contemplated starting to date again but then I remember why I don’t date, why I’ve stopped leaping, and it’s like a bucket of ice water on those thoughts.  But with Kale, it just makes me skittish; it doesn’t make me want to not leap, to not do something incredibly stupid again.  It makes me anxious and nervous and terrified but I keep thinking, I keep imagining, keep wondering if he might actually be different.

I don’t know what to do.

Xx