broken and blah

Today was kind of a bad day. I had a break-down while I was cooking dinner today.

I still miss Quinn so much. Every day I’ll find myself thinking about him. Lately it’s been worse because I know people are coming home this week from school. I know he’ll be closer. And it kills me. I’m not going to see him, I’m not going to spend any of the summer with him. Last summer pretty much the whole day, every day involved him. Thinking about it makes me dizzy and heartbroken and just a mess. It sucks. I just can’t believe how much things have changed from this time last year.

A year ago I was taking my finals and getting ready to graduate. I was spending almost every day and night with Quinn. I was planning and packing and just happy and bubbly. Now I’m none of those. I’m not planning anything really, sure not packing. I’m barely happy and almost never bubbly. I want my year back. I want to undo all of this nonsense, to not have gone through it. I want to be happy again like I was last year. I want to not care, to just be me and be happy with it. I don’t want to sit here missing what I had, wishing I had it back, longing to have that feeling again. I want to belong to someone again and feel loved. And I hate that I want it this badly. I mean, yeah, everyone longs for that feeling really and I have always wanted it just like everyone else but it was never so strong, so intense that it takes a physical effort to not look for a guy to pin all my hopes and dreams on. I want that feeling again so badly it’s a terrible aching longing that I fight against all the time. I’m not going to rush into anything, I’m not even going to look for anything with someone. I don’t want it to happen again. I’m tired of repeating my mistakes and I’m tired of it. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take making any more mistakes, being another mistake.

I’m supposed to go out with some friends tonight but I don’t know if I am going to or not. I won’t bother lying, I only want to hang out with guys who I’m attracted to right now or people who won’t make me talk or think or anything. I am avoiding a lot of my old friends because I just don’t want to talk anymore. I’m tired of the people that I know, I’m tired of being reminded of everything I’ve done that’s gone so wrong. I’m just tired of everything lately. Apathy has definitely settled in. *sigh*