broken???

So I’m not entirely sure what just happened….

I went out to a party, thought things would be good because I had someone who was supposed to stay sober and I’d get to have at least one sober buddy there…key word in that phrase is "supposed". She didn’t stay sober. She drove. Her manual. Which I can’t drive. I ended up getting stranded at a party full of drunk people, with no intention of crashing someplace I don’t know with people I don’t really know. I ended up having someone else drive me home. I thought he was doing it just because he was the only person sober enough to, I didn’t think anything of it. He was nice, he gave me a kind of driving lesson the whole way home about how to to drive a stick which definitely helped me keep from freaking out about how shitty the night ended up going for me. He planned to let me drive and get some practice. We got to my house and we’re talking as I’m getting my stuff together to get out of the car and next thing I know he’s kissing me. And I mean he is kissing me. We ended up having a full-on make-out session in the car in front of my house with the car running and the lights on and everything. I don’t know hardly anything about this guy!!! And I let him do more to me than anyone has in over a month now. Other guys have tried to kiss me, there was an oh-so-brief kiss with Dos the other night but it was next to nothing kind of kiss. And this guy just pulls me close and starts kissing me but it’s not just kissing. He’s trying to make me feel better because I had a shitty night. He’s making me laugh, he’s tickling me, when I started to freak out because here I am being this girl that I don’t recognize (making out with a guy in a car in front of my fothermucking house!!!!!!!!??????? WTF???!?!!) he sat there and talked to me, tried to make me just calm down again. I seriously feel like someone had to have slipped me something. That didn’t just happen. But it did. My cheeks and lips are pink and chafed from his stubble. I can still see his blue eyes watching me. I don’t know what the frick happened. I didn’t want to make out with anybody, it was never my plan, never on my agenda, I actually had guys trying to kiss me tonight at the party and I oh so deftly avoided them. I’ve sworn off hooking up and dating and all that stuff. I’m tired of the complications it causes in my life. And I’ve done very well at keeping those things out of my life in spite of some people trying to do nothing but hook me up with someone thinking that will solve all my problems.

I’m writing this whole incident off. It’s hormones, I’ve decided. It’s that time of the month, I’m hormonal, I’m lonely, I’m frustrated, all of that stuff just balled itself together and that’s why I let him kiss me. That’s why I let him suck on my ear and kiss my throat and the hollow of my collar bone, it’s why I let him grab my hips and pull me closer. Because I am hormonal and lonely and I haven’t been touched like that in over a month when I’m used to being touched on a semi-regular basis. But guys don’t do things like that with me. I’m not the girl they just start making out with because they can’t help themselves somehow. I’m sure if he had been dead, stone-cold sober he wouldn’t have done it and I told him as much. He wanted to know why so I told him why. Because guys don’t do that with me. I walked away though. He would have let me do whatever I wanted with him. I don’t know why. He said he just wanted me to feel better, he wanted me to have had a good time tonight, but seriously? Making out with an almost complete stranger???!!! WTF is wrong with me!?! Am I really that lonely?!!?

I just don’t know what to make of tonight anymore. I really don’t.