a month of being broken

I checked the dates this morning. It’s been a month. It doesn’t feel like it’s only been a month, more like a months, maybe a year. I feel like everything about who I am has changed, everything about my life somehow. I know it might not seem like it from the outside looking in. But the way I look at my life has altered and I guess that’s why everything about my life seems different.

I’ve come to appreciate more the number of true friends that I have. I’ve learned that some of the friends I thought were true were fake. I’ve drifted away from some people, fought the drifting from others, and made new connections. I don’t suddenly have new best friends or something. But I think it may be drifting that way. I haven’t spoken to Lexie in months. I have tried to call her and left messages but she hasn’t returned them. I still take to Kay, we haven’t talked in a little bit but we have talked recently. We keep up with each other and I think truly she is one of my soulmates and will always be a part of my life. I haven’t talked to Angel in months either though I have tried to touch base with her too. Irish and I had a falling out although I don’t think she realizes it yet. Then there are the new people I’m getting closer to, like Dos and his friend Andy (who is actually the ex of a girl I graduated with and then ran into again after I got back into town), the guys and girls from BBY, including Ivy. I’m not getting closer to the crew at the pharmacy but that’s because they tend to talk down to me anyway, not trying to get involved with that mess. Then there is Aubrey who has proven just how amazing she is as my friend, my Sister, and my GBig.

I don’t think I’ll get my miracle and be able to go see my Sisters this weekend. My car still has to be inspected and my check-engine light is on as well as my check-coolant light. So getting it to pass is looking less and less likely. My family offered to give me money to go down since they know how important it was and how much I was looking forward to it. But this is one of those times when I think I’ll have to be a grown-up and decide: fun or responsible? Fun is going; responsible is accepting that my car is more important, that paying my bills is more important. I mean, how can I go and have fun knowing that next week I have another $200 student loan payment due, knowing that my car hasn’t passed inspection, that there is still stuff wrong with it?

On the up side (and there are few of them these days so I am tracking them closely), I have been approved for my consolidation loan. In about 2 months I will start the single $150 payment on a single loan as opposed to the $80, $90, $130 that I was paying every month. And I’m working on getting my private loan payments reduced. I have asked for a standard reduced payment but if that doesn’t go through I will apply to pay interest only for a few years while I work on getting on my feet. I started crying when I got my notice about the consolidation. It’s a great feeling. I don’t even care that the payment may still seem high to other people, it’s less than what I was paying and it’s a SINGLE payment a month as opposed to 3 different ones all with 3 different due dates. And it’s still about $100 less than what I was paying a month. That’s $100 more dollars a month that I can use to pay my credit card bill, pay for gas, save up, whatever I choose to do with it. It’s there!! I’ll have it!!!! I’m about to start crying all over again because it just feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I’m working on getting my taxes done. I’ve submitted my federal taxes and waiting for them to go through before I do my state ones but my state aren’t due until May so I’m not rushing just yet about it. Plus I’m not getting a whole lot back for them, only $70 all together. My parents claimed me for the last time on their taxes. However in doing so they screwed me royally. They didn’t claim any of the interest I’d paid on my loans which was about $300 at the end of the fiscal year. They also didn’t claim the education credit I got through my school for the last semester. I also didn’t qualify for the EITC because they claimed me, had they not I would have gotten that too. Yeah, smart people did my parents’ tax prep for them. (sarcasm)

I’ve started studying for my State Exam. It’s hard as crap not going to lie. I’m glad I’m starting now since I have to take the test by May as well as submit my paperwork to get my state certs. So I’ll finish the book by April 9 (giving myself about 2 weeks to get through it hopefully twice) then sign up for my test for the week or so after that, then start my paperwork for the state.

The problem is that I’m still not motivated. At all. I’m doing things because I have to, because in the back of my head where my motivation is hiding in bed under the covers is a little clock that’s marked with all the things I need/want to do and it’s ticking away and I can still see it, still hear it so I keep paying attention to it. But little things keep piling up. I cleaned my room but my laundry is back all over the floor because I’m having to dig out my jeans and stuff and re-wear them because, again, haven’t done laundry yet. No motivation to and when I do scrape up the motivation someone else’s crap is in the machine. Ugh, I might just have to give up and take my laundry to a friends place and do it which would be really weird, no lie. But I am NOT doing someone else’s laundry in order to do MINE. That’s too much damn laundry. Bad enough I probably have 3-4 loads of my own to take care of, I don’t need to do 2 loads of someone else’s underwear. >=

Oh well, I think I’m running out of steam right now for writing. I have some dishes to do and errands I want to run today. Including picking up a gift for Georgie =) We’ll see how far I get though I suppose. I might also pick up hair dye, not to dye it right now because I dyed it only a month ago but maybe in April and I have some coupons to use for it so that’s why I might get it today.