broken, day 10

It’s early and I have a lot to say but not much time to say it. I have to start getting ready for work soon.

I am trapped in hell. I am truly beginning to believe that. I went out last night thinking it would be good for me to get out of the house with friends and just live my life. I ended up coming home more lonely and miserable than before.

Quinn’s facebook officially says he’s in a relationship now. His family is pissed at him. He apparently told his grandmother on Sunday that all of his new girlfriend’s friends don’t want her dating him. His grandmother told him he shouldn’t be wasting his time on a freshman. He needs to move on and find a real woman and focus on school. People who know them both are placing bets about how long they will last because they are both the kind of people that they can’t stand. He’s arrogant and she’s vapid. He hates vapid people and she hates arrogant people. I took her off my facebook entirely, including removing a picture that I took months ago of her and him while we were all hanging out. It wasn’t a posed picture, he was messing with the tv and she was on the computer and they ended up in the picture together. That picture is deleted now. I haven’t taken him off. Part of me knows that I should but part of me keeps remembering that I promised I would stay friends with him, that I wouldn’t just abandon him. So I don’t know what I will do yet.

I feel like for every two steps I try to take forward with my life I got knocked back 18 steps. I’m more miserable every time I turn around. My heart just keeps breaking. It’s not broken, it’s still breaking every day. I miss him so much I can’t breathe sometimes. It’s an awful feeling. Guy friends hug me and I get mad because they do and then I end up smelling like them and it makes me wish he was there to hold me so I’d smell like him instead. I look at another guy and think about kissing him and I just flat out don’t want to. I’m still a hair-trigger away from driving down there and beating the fear of God into the both of them.

Ok I have to go and get ready for work even though I feel like sh!t and not just emotionally. I think I might be coming down with something thanks to all the stress. Oh well. I need the money.