broken, day 8

I’m just leaving my entries right now as the ‘broken’ series. Partly as an experiment, partly because really there is no other way to describe me at this point in my life. It could be it’s own freaking chapter at this rate.

There is no real news on the Quinn front. Other than a text conversation the other day. I’m just going to write up the convo and save myself some majorly weird syntax errors.

Do you still hate me?
I didn’t hate you in the first place
but you said you wanted to be vindictive
being vindictive is wanting to hurt someone because they hurt you not because you hate them
but that doesn’t happen
to you?
no
maybe it has and just no one bothered to tell you before now
no except for haley (his last serious gf)
then i don’t know what to tell you

Obviously his parts are the blue, my responses are the normal colored text. I’m not sure what to make of the conversation honestly.

I also talked to his mom tonight. It was an interesting conversation. She’s been concerned about Quinn for a while now because of his steadily falling grades (he has now lost both his academic scholarships) and apparently he made a few comments that concerned her a few months back and then his older brother Derrik it turns out has been acting strangely for the last few months too. She suspects there is a connection and as Quinn’s brother (who has never met me and some of you might remember me mentioning this at the beginning of the summer when Quinn and I first started going together) well he’s pretty much decided I’m not pretty enough to be with his little brother and has continued to think so and was apparently trying to get Quinn to hook up with girls while he and his mom were visiting Derrik at school back in November. Quinn didn’t let himself get bullied into it then. But his mom suspects that it may be more than just a coincidence that her eldest is suddenly avoiding her (when his habit since coming back from his tour of duty is to call every day, several times but he’s still calling his sister who lives with their mom) and then she finds out about the crap with me and Quinn and what Derrik said way back then.

For the record I didn’t intend to tell her all that had happened. I went to her for spiritual guidance because none of the passages I searched for on Google were really helping. I don’t have a church or a pastor here so don’t have a Christian guide right now to help me through this and I’ve really needed one. So I was asking her for some passages she’d recommend for someone who was going through some rough times, like betrayal and heartbreak. I had no ulterior motive for talking to her but truthfully I didn’t feel comfortable asking any of my other Christian friends because instead of giving me passages they’d be trying to drag my @ss into church and I’m REALLY not ready to face a building full of strangers right now, no matter how well meaning they may be.

Today was a long day. I had training for 6 hours, then straight to work for another 3 on a sprained ankle and my whole body hurting from the ‘fall’ I took the other night. Then I was completely scatterbrained. Yay for periods on top of normal and abnormal stress levels. So cramps, pain, scatterbrained. I got into trouble a few times while I was there just because I did things without thinking about what I was doing. My head has been hurting off and on all day too. And don’t suggest chocolate, tried that today and didn’t help. Still cranky, cramping, achey, sore and scatterbrained. Just going to have to suffer through it and hope for the best right now.

I am so excited for Friday. Double payday and a day off. Too bad I have bills as usual. *sigh* If only.