broken, day 4 edit

Today wasn’t a bad day. It wasn’t a good day either but it wasn’t bad. I cried a little, I will probably cry more tomorrow though. I managed to get someone to switch shifts with me tomorrow so I now have a day off. 10 days in a row is officially too much working when I am juggling my own issues. It doesn’t help that I came home and had to deal with momster in all her psycho glory. We got into a huge fight (so what else is new really?). Then I ate food (yes real food!! Not much of it yet but something with about 500 calories and I have leftovers that I will try to make myself eat later.) I cleaned up my room some and it needed it badly. I have more cleaning to do and I plan to get it all done tonight so I can focus on doing ‘good things’ tomorrow. Maybe going for another run in the morning and maybe organizing and more cleaning and then maybe playing around with my guitar or playing video games. A day to try and de-stress. A day to be miserable, a day to be a mess, a day to just cope.

I’m not better. Not by a long shot. But I’m getting there a little bit at a time, okay, really, a tiny bit at a time. We’re talking millimeters here not even inches. It’s not easy. I find myself slipping all the time and tears gathering in my eyes. But I’m laughing again. I can make jokes again. Part of it at least is having real friends that are there for me. Knowing that I’m not as bad a person as some people in my life might make me feel. If I were that bad of a person I wouldn’t have people who care for me. I still hurt. It’s still hard to breathe and to make myself smile. I still feel like crying almost all the time. I miss him like crazy. I still love him. I’m just trying to make it to the end of each day right now and that is about all I can manage.

I know who he is dating now. I’m not surprised. I have suspected he liked her since they met and confronted him a few times about it but he denied it. Including the other night when we were fighting. I wish I could be a b!tch. God do I wish I could. I would ask her if he told her the real story of what happened between us and not some trumped down edited version where he doesn’t look like an @ss. If he left out that he’d say "I love you" to me up through January without hesitation, and into February. In February we hit the ice, hard. Does she know we never stopped having sex all this time? Does she know we still talked like there might be an US in the future? Probably not. She probably has no freaking clue. And I wish I was enough of a b!tch to tell her. I wish I was enough of a b!tch to blow this up in his face with the reality of how much he screwed up. Because this isn’t her fault. She’s a nice kid but he’s a jerk and he deserves to be so royally fahked that he can’t tell up from down anymore. He deserves to be fahking miserable for all the lies and the bullsh!t and all of the mess. He deserves to have nothing but bad things happen to him. If there was any justice, any karma in the world he will be miserable before the end of March. He will be as low as he can possibly be brought, he will be on his knees begging for mercy, for forgiveness. He will be destroyed.

If there is any karma, it will find him and soon.