broken, day 3 update w/ pics

To start, to the anonymous noter from my last public entry, I was already at the point in my life when I didn’t need a relationship to make me happy before I met Quinn. Did I pursue opportunities for relationships when they were presented? Yes. Did I go around looking for one? Hellno. I didn’t have the spare time or energy for it. I was too busy with school, my sorority, my fraternity, my family, and my friends. I didn’t have time to go looking for a relationship. And often I had my attempts to have a relationship blow up when guys couldn’t deal with how busy I was and how I didn’t always have time for them when they wanted my attention or more importantly when I didn’t need their attention to be happy. I was perfectly okay, if not downright happy at times, being single. Do I like the idea of being single forever though? No, I don’t think anyone who is honest with themselves would say that they don’t want a relationship. I know you didn’t write that note to be crass or mean or anything like that and you probably meant it rhetorically, just thought I would answer the note you left.

With that done, on to the other stuff.

I was right, yesterday was hell. Although for the moment I’m not crying as much, partly because I think I’m either out of tears or I’m dehydrated. Probably dehydrated since I haven’t been able to keep much food down for the past several days (yes still, all I ate yesterday was one of those pre-made tuna fish cracker kits and a single-serving-size bag of potato chips and my single 8oz thermos of flavored water. The food had a grand total of about 580 calories. My water had about 10 calories. I didn’t snack so that was it, all the calories I had in about 24 hours. Not a good sign but even the tuna was fighting to not stay down. Ironically the chips were okay in my stomach.) Anyway, I didn’t cry as much yesterday but there is a gaping painful hole in my chest. Or sometimes it feels like a vise and it’s squeezing all the air out of me. There are moments I can’t seem to catch my breath. There are moments when I nearly double over in pain because it hurts so bad. My eyes burn with unshed tears but the tears don’t fall, maybe they can’t fall. Maybe I really am dehydrated. I probably am. 8oz of fluid in 24 hours is not good. I’ll have to work on at least staying hydrated even if I can’t keep food down. Fluids are absolutely necessary and I know this. So is food but a human can survive without food for a while, but not without fluids. The last time I had soda was Saturday. I just realized that. I know it doesn’t seem important in the grand scheme of things but for a caffeine addict it’s probably a big indication of my mental and physical turmoil that I only just realized that fact. I usually have at least one soda a day on top of drinking water and juice.

I need to try and get things done today. I have clean and dirty laundry piled up. I have my closet to clean and all sorts of other things I should take care of. Unfortunately I now have to work today too. So much for a day off this week. True it’s only 3 hours but still, it means I can’t just go at whatever pace I pick, stopping and starting as the mood strikes like I usually would. It also means that I won’t get a nap probably. And I slept like hell last night and have already been up for over an hour. I think I am going to try and go for a run before I have to take my brother to class. Then maybe I will try and get stuff done while he is gone and try and take a nap if the mood strikes me before I have to pick him up.

I still hurt so much. I have so much I want to say to Quinn, to the mystery girl. And I won’t. I won’t because it’s not who I am. I just wish other people realized that.

I haven’t been in contact with Quinn in over 36 hours; I haven’t reached out to him at all. My friends who know are proud of me.

I wish I was dead still because I feel like I might as well be.

When do I get to be happy again?

So campers, after I went off on my happy-go-lucky way to be miserably unproductive or possibly miserably productive however you put it, I went for a run. It went okay. Next time I’m not taking my camera. I spent more time snapping shots of the wildlife than walking/running so it kind of was not very successful as a run but it did help me distract myself for almost 2 hours. Froze my butt off but it helped numb the pain in my heart too so I’d consider it a success in that regard. Went to get my brother and take him to school, all’s well. I go to head home to pick up some stuff to take to the post office for momster….all hell breaks loose on my life. Some guy side swipes me trying to get into my lane. How do I know he side swiped me? He still had his damned turn signal on when I looked in my review mirror. So I got to sit there and have the cops come again. Then the bastard tried to say I was trying to get into his lane! I was in the lane I wanted!!!! I was going home!!! UGH!!! I’m okay but as if I needed one more freaking stress in my life, now my car is trashed.